I disagree with your conclusion

I respect your opinion 🙃

There are some opinions that we must not tolerate

It’s possible to have a reasoned discussion without “tolerating” the position.

I’m not saying that there aren’t regular, reasonable people who have genuine concern based in the wellbeing of kids who feel uncomfortable about gender affirming care

Then I don’t understand why you’re arguing with me. That’s all I’m saying.

But I have to say that I feel like your position, that we should engage in good faith with people purporting extreme hateful ideology, is extremely harmful

It’s only “hateful” if you assume their view can be solely attributed to malice, which you’ve already admitted is not necessarily the case.

And judging them and lobbing insults is super helpful?

but tone policing people is really unacceptable imo

LOL “tone policing”? What does that even mean? I don’t even know what your, or anyone else’s tone is.