I just cut contact with my ex-friend “Emma” online, and I’m trying to get over it even though I just blocked her a few HOURS ago.
It all started on Discord, where I met this girl who said on her bio that she was “energetic, caring and a fun friend”. She seemed to live up to it when she asked me to be her friend because she was looking for friends. I found out some things she said (but I can’t be certain that they’re true, IDK). Emma says she speaks English very well because she started learning at the age of 3, but in actuality, she’s German and lives in Germany, not the USA or a primarily English-speaking country.
She told me her birthday was “in October” and I told her mine was too. Well, earlier this month, she said "My birthday was a few days ago BTW” so I said something like “Sorry, happy belated birthday!”
When I told her my birthday is soon and it’s on Halloween, she said she would draw me something, and I said she could just doodle something because I didn’t want her to spend a lot of time just on something for me. Throughout the relationship, she only primarily focused on my mistakes, not the good things I did or the positive aspects of my personality.
Later on, Emma became very snippy and curt, but she wouldn’t tell me why, and I assumed it was just because her mental health was bad because she has a history of snapping at me and then saying it’s her depression.
I noticed that throughout conflicts, she would just either give short replies or even insult me (“stupid, pathetic”, etc.) but I was patient with her. I was always the bad guy, though, and she would never admit to doing anything wrong, but then she would profusely apologize and go on about how she was a mean person and she’d never be mean to me again, but then continued.
Well, she admitted she was being so annoyed with me because she “hates me right now” for not knowing her birthday. She went on and on, listing how evil and toxic and a bully I was, saying horrible stuff to me. I said I would repay her by doing anything she asked because she said I had to “obey her if I really liked her”. I said I would draw something for her, and she said it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t trying nor fixing the problem, and she even sent me: “This is how you repay me? You should obey me and do anything I say you asshole, I do everything for you and this is how you treat me you fucking bitch”
She also went on about how she was “nothing but kind” to me, and wouldn’t accept any apology or any way I could make it up to her, all because I didn’t know/remember her birthday and wished her a few days late.
She kept going on and on, and because I was heavily shaking, I just ended up blocking her accounts.
Keep them blocked and move on. This is just someone you talk to online? I would never put any trust into who that person is on the other end and if they treat you like this without even knowing you then your right they got serious issues and thats not your problem to deal with. Don’t invest time into toxic relationships, especially ones met in a chat room.
YNTA. Emma’s just toxic AF.
As someone who has had a few toxic friendships, I won’t sugarcoat it, depending on how connected you were it’ll sting for awhile. My worst one I was still feeling the effects for 3 years after. It will gradually fade.
that being said, not even a quarter of the way into your post and it’s already clear Emma is a toxic narcissistic asshole and there is no way at all that you would be the problem. Depressive episodes or not clear abuse is not something that is should ever expected, tolerated or excused in a friendship. Especially considering some of the terms you used are clear non-depressive terms. You don’t call someone pathetic when in an episode, you might call them mean rude or an asshole but pathetic is a different category of insults.
What you described is typical of a narcissist who is trying to manipulate you into doing what they want, not a friend who is having a depressive episode. It’s fair to be disappointed that someone you thought of as a friend forgot your birthday but under no circumstances is it ok for what Emma has done.
I wish I could tell you the hardest has already passed but, the hardest for me is always keeping them blocked. I have made the mistake multiple times of unblocking later on, and sometimes after a prolonged time that works with toxic relationships, but you need to wait at minimum a year and a half to two year before you even humor removing the blocks to see any type of change and just be aware that it’s very possible that nothing will change and you will just repeat these same circumstance again.
Thank you so much, this is very helpful. Every time we’d argue (she’d start it), she’d start being very apologetic and ask if we were still friends, then would turn on me and even though I always forgave her, she would never forgive me for simple mistakes but said she did even though she’d bully me and say it wasn’t enough for her.
And she also said when I wanted to know what to do to help her because she wasn’t letting me apologize or do anything to make it up to her, she said “go fix this mess yourself, no one’s gonna help you asshole.”
yea this doesn’t sound like a depressive thing, it sounds more like an abuse or control thing. I don’t think it’s anything that will be repairable long-term. It sounds like they wanted to use you somehow, and when you didn’t fit what they were wanting, they would lash out and then try to “repair” the friendship either because they knew what they were doing was wrong, or because they knew if they didn’t it would push you away further. Of course every situation is different but, that’s how I read it
Thanks. This sounds right
Lmao holy shit, not the asshole.
NTA.
That Emma chick seems to be a toxic person. Keep her blocked and move on with your life. Trust me: it’s better this way
Zero offense but are you fairly young? Friendship is a two way street. This person is inanely toxic and manipulative. You don’t “obey” someone to stay friends. Ew just ew. She didn’t tell you her birthday directly, she doesn’t get to hold that over you.
Friends don’t put friends down. They lift each other up. If someone is constantly calling you names, they don’t actually like you. The more you put up with that behavior, the more they will do it because you didn’t say no.
She’s also shown repeatedly that she doesn’t care about hurting you. She apologizes, plays the victim about how she’s this horrible person, makes you feel bad for her, then doesn’t change anything about her behavior? Yeah no honey, we don’t put up with that. This is not a friend. This is an abuser seeing how far you will let them abuse you. You’re far better off without this person.
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
You deserve better.
Thanks :) I really liked her but she always made me feel like the bad guy
Yeah, friends are supposed to lift you up. And when they have to call you out on bad behavior, they’re not dicks about it. I’ve had to call a few friends out over the years. “Hey man, when you say this thing, it makes me feel bad and it sucks.” Is usually how I go about that. And good friends go “oh my God I’m so sorry!” And then they actually make an effort to change the behavior. That’s how it’s supposed to work.
Thank you so much. She also blamed one of her headmates once for insulting me repeatedly because she says she has DID.
