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Well, if Alexa did call the police and they showed up, there’s a chance the police might just shoot you instead of the burglar in your own home anyway.
No they won’t.
I am white.
Alright, say goodbye to your dog though.
ah fuck
Just gonna stay here in Switzerland then I guess. That should be safe.
more like
Me: AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA ALEXA TELL HIM WHERE MY VALUABLES ARE
Alexa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH that’s a poor motherfocker
Alexa: I am the most valuable thing he owns 🥲
as I get shot 16 times
The police arrived incredibly fast.
Oo. That STINGs.
“Ophelia, call the police!”
“Now playing Fuck the Police by NWA.”
By get shot sixteen times, OP means that Roxanne came on, so he and the burglar immediately proceeded to get WRECKED playing the Roxanne drinking game. Sixteen shots didn’t even get him through the first chorus.
For those who don’t know:
How to play the Roxanne drinking game All you need to play is a sound system of some sort, and the song ‘Roxanne’ by The Police. Next, you split everybody up into 2 teams (usually boys on one team, girls on the other). The girls drink when they hear the word ‘Roxanne’, and the boys drink when they hear ‘put on a red light’. Doesn’t sound like much of a drinking game, right? Wrong! It’s unbelievable how many times The Police repeat these lyrics in the song and so this game can be a good laugh if played occasionally.
There’s drinking at a good tempo and then there’s this.
You mean an even better tempo?
I kid. I kid!
That’s so much alcohol, the local atmosphere would turn highly flammable.
Sounds like a fun game! Depending on tolerance, maybe beer instead of shots…
Reminds me of the game thunderstruck. Get everyone in a circle with a few drinks on hand. Start the song “thunderstruck” by AC/DC. First person starts chugging and on every time they say “thunderstruck”, that person stops chugging and the next in line starts. Very fun but uneven. Once the into starts, one person is chugging for a bit.
A more sustainable, but way more difficult than it seems game is power hour. There should be multiple versions of it on YouTube. At least there were circa 2010.
It plays a song for a minute, then changes to another song for a minute, then another and so on over sixty minutes.
Every time the song changes, you take a shot of beer.
When I was in college about three hundred years ago, it was called the century club and went for one hundred minutes, but since we didn’t have YouTube back then, it was just watching the clock. Amazing how fast that God damned second game can move.
Back 15 years ago that was Wednesday night at DaveQuests. If you completed it, he took a Polaroid, put it on the wall. I think there were 60, 70 people, of all shapes and sizes. I knew girls who barely broke 100 who made it through 60m, and guys who were pushing 300 who puked on 60 and so we put an asterisk next to their name.
It got stupid, as things tend to, when hubris came into play, and we thought “why don’t we just keep going?” And so every minute, homer Simpson would chime in to remind us, and we just kept it going through the centennial (which is where I tapped out, personally) and then to the double power hour. There were six of us to make centennial, and three made double, and every single one of us would proceed to vomit and black out entirely. So dumb, but you’re in your early 20s, people living in a house with five other early 20s, so it was the time and place I guess.
Yeah, we tried that one. I didn’t think anyone’s stomach volume is large enough for that amount. None of us could get past the 45 minute mark.
Pro Version of this game:
Listen to “Hot dog” by Limp Bizkit and take a shot for every “fuck” you hear.
While driving, I was using google maps on android auto when I wanted to find the nearest charging station. So I used the search function in google maps. By tapping the microphone button. IN GOOGLE MAPS. Saying clearly: “Charging station”. TO GOOGLE MAPS.
“Ok. Playing playlist ‘Charging station’ by [some random user] in spotify”
… Nothing.
Apparently my girlfriend, who was at home, was using Spotify at that time. So it changed the playlist for her.
Technology is great.
I asked “is it going to rain tomorrow”
Google’s response, “no it is not going to rain today it is going to be cloudy”
“What about tomorrow?”
“It is not going to rain this evening”
Thanks for that. Really not worried about AI taking over the world by the way.
You can’t talk directly to Google maps. You can only talk to the assistant which is a lot less intelligent than it seems.
"Just so you know, auto read is still on. You can ask me at any time to turn it off…
Dad says: Ok"
3 minutes later
"Just so you know, auto read is still on. You can ask me at any time to turn it off…
Dad says: Did you hear about [thing]"
Then they have the audacity to tell me auto read is OFF if I turn it off and get a text
wat
Google maps + assistant auto reading texts
I can’t format it in a readable way lmao
Been meaning to add a Google Home routine that turns EVERYTHING on at once.
“Hey Google. House party protocol.”
STUN
Damn, that made me think of a use for my ceiling-mount strobe and “AHHOOGAH” horn. What shall I do tonight?
And all the power supplies charging up at the same time trips your breaker and the whole house goes dark and takes out your security system lmao.
Dark works too, you know the layout better than the intruder
I bump into shit with the lights on, turning them off is not going to make that better.
Perfect time for the cat to trip me -_-
Smoke machine hidden in the vents
Joke’s on the robber. He’ll have to shoot me since I’m a neckbeard loser and don’t possess any valuables. Checkmate.
Easy, just grow a neckbeard thick enough to block the bullets
I think that was also a joke in US by Jordan Peele ?
Edit found the clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uAEWFPmAwU
I was wondering for far too long about what made that joke just for America.
Would no longer be a burglar at the point of holding someone up.
Follow for more useless contributions to the meme.
On the plus side you can bleed out knowing they now have to spend all that time and effort trying to find your valuables.
This is 2024. What valuables? 😂
What the burglar gonna do, take over my rent and loans? 😂
thatstheotherjoke.jpg
They’ll force you to take on some other people’s anonymised debt at gunpoint.
I keep them at the store, since I can’t afford to bring them home. My Lambo is still at the dealership after all these years.
Yeah we won’t need to get this far, I don’t own anything that hasn’t already lost all value.
Plot twist:
. Burglar: This… this was the song they played at my mum’s funeral last week
. Me: do you want to talk about it ?
. Burglar: Yeah… can we ?
Alexa: plays Call The Police video
Me: o.O
Burglar: O.O
Actual police person: :･ﾟ✧(=✪ ᆺ ✪=):･ﾟ✧That did not go according to plan at all!
The plan:
ME: “Haha sure thing dude-ALEXA CALL THE POLICE”
ALEXA: “Calling the police”
phone ringing
ME: staring at burglar
BURGLAR: staring at me
phone ringing some more
EMERGENCY OPERATOR: “Hello, this is 911, what is your emergency?”
BURGLAR: staring at me
ALEXA: “There is a robbery taking place at…”
BURGLAR: looking at me
ME: whistling
EMERGENCY OPERATOR: “Alright, we’ll dispatch officers immediately. Stay safe”
ALEXA: “Thank you” hangs up
BURGLAR: going to fetch a chair
ME: twiddling my thumbs
BURGLAR: cleaning his gun for a solid four minutes
ME: looking at my shoes for a good three more minutes
sirens becoming audible in the distance
BURGLAR: “Oh no!” runs away
No one is calling the police. Skjut, gräv, tig.
And here come the downvotes. 🤣
OMG you’re so manly please marry my daughter
lmao cringe
Cringe max
Make sure you record when you blow your dick off.
The statistical chances of accidentally hitting it are quite low.
At that close range, you can easily hit tiny objects.
😬
