AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical…

AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical function,” said CEO Elon Musk, whose announcement came as a shock to the team of 500 Tesla workers responsible for the electric vehicles’ braking systems. “As the brakes never really worked anyway, we figured the team’s existence was redundant. Going forward, none of our models will be outfitted with brakes. Instead, we will shift our efforts to making fart noises louder.” At press time, Tesla staffers responsible for wheels were reportedly nervous after receiving an ominous meeting request from HR.

  • qwertyqwertyqwerty@lemmy.oneEnglish
    202·
    6 months ago

    TBH, the Onion has to have a hard time these days trying to outdo reality, but this honestly got me for half a second.

    • viking@infosec.pubEnglish
      23·
      6 months ago

      I’d have believed it. Wouldn’t put it past him to fire everyone and then hire a handful juniors to fix it.

    • supersquirrel@sopuli.xyzEnglish
      61·
      6 months ago

      I think there was a period in the 2010s where they had it harder because reality was getting so absurd, but in 2024 I think the Onion has firmly crossed that valley of humorous uncertainty and confidently begun vertically scaling the mountains of “Let’s Just Take Awful Real News And Make It A Little More Plausible As A *Joke While Giving Everybody A Hug While They Are Crying From The Brutality Of Late Stage Capitalism” like a possessed, gargantuan spider of bitter sarcasm.

  • Jo Miran@lemmy.mlEnglish
    134·
    6 months ago

    The fact that it wasn’t obvious that this headline was satire until I looked at the URL, really says something about Elon.

    • Zipitydew@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      13·
      6 months ago

      Honestly though this is one car system Tesla might be able to get close to having no team of their own.

      The brakes on all their cars are designed and supplied by Brembo. Tesla certainly has some people making sure they’ll fit. But that step is only needed when a new model is being designed. Once the model launches Tesla can make a quality person (lol) work with Brembo on any revisions.

      Edit - if not clear I agree with you and am wondering if The Onion is predicting the future again.

    • cm0002@lemmy.worldEnglish
      2·
      6 months ago

      You sure? Maybe you’ve been seeing them this whole time, but with news and satire being so close to each other these days and what not…

    • You999@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      3·
      6 months ago

      The worse part is that it’s completely possible for tesla to get rid of the brakes and rely solely on the motors for stopping, at least on the vehicles with AC motors. It would be a really stupid idea since braking effort is directly tied to the shaft speed meaning you get less brakes the slower you are moving and you wouldn’t be able to brake while fully charged but hey it’s still possible.

      • Aceticon@lemmy.worldEnglish
        1·
        6 months ago

        Depending on how a motor is designed, you can definitelly break using power by changing the cycle or reversing the direction of the current.

        Though if I remember it correctly, it’s not great for an electric motor to do it.

        • You999@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
          2·
          6 months ago

          It’s only bad for DC motors to use dynamic brakes (proper name) and even then it’s only bad for them when coming to a complete stop. Using DC motors to slow down is perfect fine. AC motors don’t suffer the same issues and can utilize dynamic brakes at any speed including to a complete stop

    • Wogi@lemmy.worldEnglish
      2·
      6 months ago

      One time, when I was very young, my mother had stopped at a gas station in my home town and there was a car at the only other pump. I couldn’t see what was going on but apparently a kid had his leg out of the door and the car pulled forward, and she apparently heard it pop. I think I was too young to have any context for what was going on but without even seeing what happened she went inside to call emergency services.

  • The Pantser@lemmy.worldEnglish
    5·
    6 months ago

    What kind of client are y’all using that you can’t see The Onion is the community? Are you joking these headlines trick you or is your client hiding the community?