I’ve been working at a soul-sucking job that I have to drive 2 hours a day and I don’t like for 1.5 years. I do alright. I was a teacher and I want to get back into teaching because it’s more purposeful and fulfilling.
My wife found out about a year ago that her father was in fact not her biological father. A few months later he died. This caused her trauma. My wife is a teacher as well, and she said she wanted to take a year off and go to therapy. I was not a fan of the idea, because we need 2 incomes to feed our 2 kids and fund her spending habits, but I agreed as long as we cut our spending and she focused on getting better. We inherited some money from her father and moved into his house and sold our old one for some money as well. I’m talking to a fiduciary to invest this money so it doesn’t get spent and we have money for the future.
Last week I was offered a teaching a position. I was frustrated by the fact that I had to decline it, because we cannot afford the pay cut. If I don’t get back in to it this year, my certification will lapse and I will have a hard time renewing it. I was devastated and explained to her my frustrations. I told her that taking a year off is not the norm, and that she hasn’t been working on herself, she’s been spending more money, adding to her hoard, and avoiding any sort of physical or emotional hardship. I told her that I gave up something that I wanted (and she wanted for me) so she could continue not working.
Next month she is flying from the midwest to Vancouver to see Taylor Swift with my oldest daughter. I told her today that it frustrates me that she is going through with it. I understand that she had a tough time and that this is a cool thing for them, but I wanted her to understand that it frustrates me that she gets to do this while I’m cutting back on things and declining a job I wanted. I told her to CONSIDER flipping the tickets for a profit of a few grand. She responded that it feels like I’m trying to ruin her good time with guilt and that she really is working on herself, but it’s all internal, so I can’t see it.
I just feels unfair and if I pressure her not to go, I’m going to be made into the bad guy. I’m in between a shit and a turd place.
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Personally, I’d start with a therapist.
I’m not really wanting to judge someone else’s relationship, but the vibes coming off the post very much indicate that this is not a proper partnership, just your wife doing what she wants, while you’re miserable.
Also, I’d take the teaching job, regardless of pay, if it simply results in your wife not being able to buy more shit. If your kids are fed and clothed and housed, then, well, she can figure out what she wants to do to keep spending money. (Assuming she doesn’t just stuff it all on secret credit cards you don’t know about, or whatever.)
At the end of the day, your kids are priority #1, and you’re #2 because you can’t take care of your kids if you’re not taking care of yourself. Your wife comes in at a distant #3, especially since she already doesn’t seem inclined to take care of herself.
She makes me feel like asking her to take care of herself is asking too much. Unfortunately, I’ve already turned down the job. I do see a therapist for myself. He basically said frustration is what SHOULD be felt by me and that I have to find a way to break through to her that it’s unfair without letting her make me the bad guy. A work in progress I guess.
Also, it would be a pay cut of about $25k and loss of free health insurance for the family. It blows, but I kind of have to do it.
I relate to some of this. Probably more than I’d like to. I could vent and commiserate, but I won’t. I just wanted to address this:
I have to find a way to break through to her that it’s unfair without letting her make me the bad guy
I could be wrong, but I really believe what your therapist is suggesting here is impossible.
The two of you have adversarial positions here. Both of you see the situation you are in. She considers it and thinks seeing Taylor Swift is more important than having $3k (or whatever) more money. In your estimation it is not.
Do you have any objective, undeniable facts that, when added to what she already knows, will alter the balance for her? If you do, will she accept that they are objective and undeniable coming from you the “opposing party”?
That’s hard. One of the hardest things I’ve done is to disagree with my wife, and to truly believe she is wrong, and to accept that her viewpoint is correct and mine is wrong. And sometimes that’s the case (or it at least turns out just fine). But there is a lot of resentment when she is wrong.
Our oldest daughter got married last year. I knew we’d wind up doing some things for the wedding and paying for them. Maybe a few thousand dollars. In April of this year two things happened: I lost my job (and I remained unemployed for 5 months) and I discovered she had spent over 30k on the wedding. Our wedding cost under $500. Our credit cards were maxxed. Her dad gives us ~$10k per year of money he has to withdraw from his retirement but he can’t spend (he gives equally to all the siblings) and that was all spent on the wedding a year in advance.
5 months out of work drained my retirement to $0. I started working about 2 months ago. Our 15th wedding anniversary is next year. She wanted a trip I okayed ~$5k. She is spending ~$11k. (It’s a nice vacation and I did agree to it because I’m a fucking sucker for it and she has long held this to be an important anniversary.) Now she wants to spend $4k putting up permanent LEDs around the house. Night before last she was wondering why our phone bill was so high, so she goes to Verizon to look and 30 minutes later lets me know she bought a new phone. I asked what new features she’s looking forward to. And she gets pissed and says her phone is 3 models old and she wants a new one.
I lied about not venting, sorry. And you know… if everything works out great with this job, none of this shit will kill us. But meanwhile we’re spending $1600/year on a maxxed $5k credit card between interest, late fees (hopefully that should stop at least), and annual fees.
Anyway, all I have to do is just non-judgementally ask her reason for wanting a new phone and we fought for like 12 hours over it.
TL;DR There is no way she will hear a reasonable argument from you and see it as anything other than a manipulation of facts in order to prevail in the disagreement. You need a neutral third party or someone she respects and will listen to.
Trauma is a real thing. My wife’s mom died at like 59 years old, just after she retired and was looking forward to spending all the money my inlaws had saved over their lifetimes on travel and such. Now my wife thinks it’s critical that we live while we can because she isn’t going to live past 60.
Sometimes trauma needs to be assuaged, but other times it will lead someone to self-destructive behavior that feels like what they need to cope with their trauma.
I’m sorry for writing a book. I’m honestly not sure if I wrote it because I think something in there will help you, or because I just needed to get it off my chest.
I’m here for your story, don’t apologize. Misery loves company. I grew up in a household where I was told my feelings were wrong. I was always defending my self and apologizing for telling people how I felt. I don’t do that anymore. I’m willing to hear arguments, but I NEVER let anyone invalidate my emotions anymore. I may be wrong, but the way I feel is not wrong. I feel that way for a reason.
I hope something in that word salad helps.
It doesn’t come across through the frustration, but I love my wife very much. And if this is just how life is, I accept it. And I’m no fucking paragon of wise living, either. I’m just as hard to deal with as she is. I wouldn’t want to do this thing without her, but fuck if I know how to do it with her either, you know? Without her and the kids, I think I would only eat, sleep, work, and stare at pointless things. Maybe I need someone to tell me to get out of the fucking house and go to Barbados or wherever we’re going.
Good luck, man. I’m glad you’re in therapy. And just because I disagree with him… well he knows you and your situation a hell of a lot better than I do.
Thanks, brother.
You need to talk with a couples therapist. I too would like to take a few years off but no one does that because it’s selfish.
Her priorities seem mismatched. Simple as that. Someone focused on sentimental intake risks dragging someone down who is focused on getting by. You two are pulling each other in the opposite direction and only one of you understands, and it will hurt everyone.
That’s a perspective I haven’t quite looked at. It’s true. I just need a way to make her see it, so she doesn’t feel attacked or she won’t be receptive to it.
You need to get her into therapy for her own sake. You should also start pushing her to start helping with budgeting, since she is spending a lot of money.
She’s in therapy. Her therapist said it sounds like we have a good deal arranged, but I feel the narrator to her story is not trustworthy.
I told her that taking a year off is not the norm, and that she hasn’t been working on herself, she’s been spending more money, adding to her hoard, and avoiding any sort of physical or emotional hardship.
Could you elaborate on this? Do you feel like she’s not putting in the effort to get mentally better? You mentioned she’s seeing a therapist. Any chance you can sit in on some sessions and see what she’s going through as well as having the ability to voice your concerns with a mediator, the therapist, present?
The Taylor Swift thing is a bit of a conundrum. On one hand, her going on a trip like that will likely clear her head and help “reset” and “ground” her so to speak. Bonding with your eldest daughter will also be a very beneficial thing for her mental health as well. On the other hand, there are the finances that you mentioned. It’s not wrong to have that concern, I constantly stress about finances myself as well. IF, and only if, you can find a way to afford it without a serious quality of life downgrade I would say let her go on the trip. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made to help your loved ones to move on. But perhaps talk to her about it and make it clear that you’re doing it because you care about her and want her to get better but also need to see an improvement as well. You’ll have to be gentle, but frank with her on this I’m afraid. It likely won’t be an easy conversation.
My therapist said that he would never recommend a year off to anyone going through grief as it doesn’t allow people to heal and get back to their lives. She goes to Target, Costco, or the grocery store daily. Her last costco run was $200 and she bought 4 water mugs because they were on sale. We have a ton already. The basement is FULL to the brim with kids toys. It looks like a bomb went off and it needs to be cleaned/organized. I asked to do it and she said no, because I won’t do it right. I asked her to do it and she said she will. That was 5 months ago. I finally got her to agree to do it with me on Saturday, but I’m sure there will come a reason why we can’t.
She won’t get rid of anything, but keeps bringing new things in. She won’t get ANY physical exercise. She insisted we buy a Peloton years ago and every month she tells me she’s going to use it and doesn’t. She doesn’t face her problems by cleaning up after herself or organizing what I would call the bottom floor of her life, so she can build upwards.
Next month will have been a year since her dad died and she doesn’t seem any better.
I see now.
It sounds like your wife needs to face the stark reality that she needs to move on. What the therapist said about her not needing to take a full year off is something I would agree with. A few weeks or, or a month or two maybe. But a full year? No. Especially with no signs of getting better. What you’re describing isn’t healthy behavior. Have you tried to get her to face the reality that she needs to move on? Or maybe some members of her family, or close friends, can talk to her if they’re in the picture? Sometimes you need to hear it from multiple people to get the message through.
That’s a good point. I should talk to her sister and mom to see if she has noticed patterns that we could all make her aware of together.
Definitely would help, especially if they’re close.
Wishing you the best of luck in all of this. I’m very sorry you’re caught in a situation like this. Hopefully it gets better for you soon.
Thank you!
If you two sat down and agreed to let her take a year to heal I don’t think it’s appropriate or healthy to second guess that partway through. If it’s not financially feasible even with her parent’s estate offsetting the cost some then you’ll need to sit down again and discuss that. If the cost of the concert would make a real difference ofc she should cancel, but if you’re just upset she is not pulling her weight right now despite agreeing to a career break (not uncommon after the death of a parent biological or not). I think you should try to be supportive and trust that more opportunities will come up for you even if it’s not the most efficient route.
I feel as if my expectations are clear. I work and make money so the kids can eat and she can heal. But the expectations of her are not clear, and there are no earmarks as to where I feel her side of the agreement is met. Also, I never really agreed to it. She floated the idea for a month or two and I said I don’t think it was a good idea. She told me she was going to look for a job and “didn’t find one” and soon after said that she was only going to take a job if it was at my daughter’s school.
Hmm well the executive decisions on her part are definitely a problem then. Personally in this situation I would want to stabilize expectations by getting at least a rough outline on paper. Sit down with her and say something like “lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and trapped in my job—like I have the whole weight of the family on my shoulders etc. I know you’re still (understandably) working through some things and I want to continue to support you and I trust that you will follow through and rejoin the workforce in the next couple months like we discussed but I’m disappointed from having to turn down a job that I would have enjoyed and it would really help my own mental health if we had a bit more of a concrete plan so I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and have a plan in place to let go of this awful job that takes up so much extra time. What do you envision yourself doing? Here’s what I have been thinking about for myself, put together does that feasibly support our family or do we need to massage the plan?
The financial planning has also been getting to me and it would really help me out if we came up with a fixed budget for the next couple months. Your dad’s estate gives our family a chance to establish some lasting financial stability (or kids college or whatever it may be) if we play our card’s right and I don’t want us to squander the opportunity by living above our current household income and regret it later.”
Even if you’re not feeling like a team lately I think it’s important to keep a lot of we’s and us’s in there—the future is something you are planning together.
That’s really good. Thank you.
