I’ve been working at a soul-sucking job that I have to drive 2 hours a day and I don’t like for 1.5 years. I do alright. I was a teacher and I want to get back into teaching because it’s more purposeful and fulfilling.
My wife found out about a year ago that her father was in fact not her biological father. A few months later he died. This caused her trauma. My wife is a teacher as well, and she said she wanted to take a year off and go to therapy. I was not a fan of the idea, because we need 2 incomes to feed our 2 kids and fund her spending habits, but I agreed as long as we cut our spending and she focused on getting better. We inherited some money from her father and moved into his house and sold our old one for some money as well. I’m talking to a fiduciary to invest this money so it doesn’t get spent and we have money for the future.
Last week I was offered a teaching a position. I was frustrated by the fact that I had to decline it, because we cannot afford the pay cut. If I don’t get back in to it this year, my certification will lapse and I will have a hard time renewing it. I was devastated and explained to her my frustrations. I told her that taking a year off is not the norm, and that she hasn’t been working on herself, she’s been spending more money, adding to her hoard, and avoiding any sort of physical or emotional hardship. I told her that I gave up something that I wanted (and she wanted for me) so she could continue not working.
Next month she is flying from the midwest to Vancouver to see Taylor Swift with my oldest daughter. I told her today that it frustrates me that she is going through with it. I understand that she had a tough time and that this is a cool thing for them, but I wanted her to understand that it frustrates me that she gets to do this while I’m cutting back on things and declining a job I wanted. I told her to CONSIDER flipping the tickets for a profit of a few grand. She responded that it feels like I’m trying to ruin her good time with guilt and that she really is working on herself, but it’s all internal, so I can’t see it.
I just feels unfair and if I pressure her not to go, I’m going to be made into the bad guy. I’m in between a shit and a turd place.
She makes me feel like asking her to take care of herself is asking too much. Unfortunately, I’ve already turned down the job. I do see a therapist for myself. He basically said frustration is what SHOULD be felt by me and that I have to find a way to break through to her that it’s unfair without letting her make me the bad guy. A work in progress I guess.
Also, it would be a pay cut of about $25k and loss of free health insurance for the family. It blows, but I kind of have to do it.
I relate to some of this. Probably more than I’d like to. I could vent and commiserate, but I won’t. I just wanted to address this:
I could be wrong, but I really believe what your therapist is suggesting here is impossible.
The two of you have adversarial positions here. Both of you see the situation you are in. She considers it and thinks seeing Taylor Swift is more important than having $3k (or whatever) more money. In your estimation it is not.
Do you have any objective, undeniable facts that, when added to what she already knows, will alter the balance for her? If you do, will she accept that they are objective and undeniable coming from you the “opposing party”?
That’s hard. One of the hardest things I’ve done is to disagree with my wife, and to truly believe she is wrong, and to accept that her viewpoint is correct and mine is wrong. And sometimes that’s the case (or it at least turns out just fine). But there is a lot of resentment when she is wrong.
Our oldest daughter got married last year. I knew we’d wind up doing some things for the wedding and paying for them. Maybe a few thousand dollars. In April of this year two things happened: I lost my job (and I remained unemployed for 5 months) and I discovered she had spent over 30k on the wedding. Our wedding cost under $500. Our credit cards were maxxed. Her dad gives us ~$10k per year of money he has to withdraw from his retirement but he can’t spend (he gives equally to all the siblings) and that was all spent on the wedding a year in advance.
5 months out of work drained my retirement to $0. I started working about 2 months ago. Our 15th wedding anniversary is next year. She wanted a trip I okayed ~$5k. She is spending ~$11k. (It’s a nice vacation and I did agree to it because I’m a fucking sucker for it and she has long held this to be an important anniversary.) Now she wants to spend $4k putting up permanent LEDs around the house. Night before last she was wondering why our phone bill was so high, so she goes to Verizon to look and 30 minutes later lets me know she bought a new phone. I asked what new features she’s looking forward to. And she gets pissed and says her phone is 3 models old and she wants a new one.
I lied about not venting, sorry. And you know… if everything works out great with this job, none of this shit will kill us. But meanwhile we’re spending $1600/year on a maxxed $5k credit card between interest, late fees (hopefully that should stop at least), and annual fees.
Anyway, all I have to do is just non-judgementally ask her reason for wanting a new phone and we fought for like 12 hours over it.
TL;DR There is no way she will hear a reasonable argument from you and see it as anything other than a manipulation of facts in order to prevail in the disagreement. You need a neutral third party or someone she respects and will listen to.
Trauma is a real thing. My wife’s mom died at like 59 years old, just after she retired and was looking forward to spending all the money my inlaws had saved over their lifetimes on travel and such. Now my wife thinks it’s critical that we live while we can because she isn’t going to live past 60.
Sometimes trauma needs to be assuaged, but other times it will lead someone to self-destructive behavior that feels like what they need to cope with their trauma.
I’m sorry for writing a book. I’m honestly not sure if I wrote it because I think something in there will help you, or because I just needed to get it off my chest.
I’m here for your story, don’t apologize. Misery loves company. I grew up in a household where I was told my feelings were wrong. I was always defending my self and apologizing for telling people how I felt. I don’t do that anymore. I’m willing to hear arguments, but I NEVER let anyone invalidate my emotions anymore. I may be wrong, but the way I feel is not wrong. I feel that way for a reason.
I hope something in that word salad helps.
It doesn’t come across through the frustration, but I love my wife very much. And if this is just how life is, I accept it. And I’m no fucking paragon of wise living, either. I’m just as hard to deal with as she is. I wouldn’t want to do this thing without her, but fuck if I know how to do it with her either, you know? Without her and the kids, I think I would only eat, sleep, work, and stare at pointless things. Maybe I need someone to tell me to get out of the fucking house and go to Barbados or wherever we’re going.
Good luck, man. I’m glad you’re in therapy. And just because I disagree with him… well he knows you and your situation a hell of a lot better than I do.
Thanks, brother.