Due to my “privacy consciousness” (yes, you could call it digital paranoia, but that sounds as if i were ill and not just conscious about how data trade works in the age of total surveillance) dating apps are no options - the compromise i’m living with is owning, using and carrying a phine with me but without any non-free or known malicious (tracking, data-mining, spying, etc) software.
Any advice on how to get to know interesting people? How did you get to know your partners or acquantances? Did you just give in and opt for one or another dating platform?
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People still meet each other offline, through shared interests. Join a club. Whether that’s football, croquet, knitting, books, or LARPing (despite what the What We Do In The Shadows series says).
For dating? This kinda feels wrong, no?
You don’t do it looking for a date. You do it because you enjoy it!
But people meet life partners when they are doing things they enjoy, not when they are doing things they are doing just to try to get a date with any old person. You can try the thing where you ask out people until someone says yes, but that’s unlikely to result in a relationship.
But ultimately, you’re not going to meet your life partner unless you’re meeting people in general. People can be in your life without needing them to be someone to date. Go have fun with people! You never know what might happen.
not sure where “life partner” got into the mix, but my question is about dating people. like: getting to know someone on a personal, more intimate level than through a common friend, similar hobby, same club, etc. i’m talking about the next step/level
Volunteering is a good option. There are many organizations you could check out. Find one that aligns with your values and has a good social dynamic.
Also, meet people through friends. If you don’t have a lot of friends… join an organization and make friends.
That may be right for meeting people and making acquaintances and friends in general, but with the intent of dating people - would you suggest the same?
I think that the point is that to meet people who are looking to date, without using the internet, first you have to meet people offline.
They obviously won’t all be available, but as you get to know them some might. Or they might know someone they can set you up with.
Yeah, the point is to meet people. If you get involved with an organization doing something you care about, you can have low pressure opportunities to meet people who share your values.
the question is not “how to meet people” but “how to date people”
say i meet people i find interesting. do i just “ask them out”? do i ask them if they are “available” first? should i casually mention that i’m single and ready to mingle and wait for an adequate reaction from my opposite?
Everyone has a different approach. Some ask people out immediately, others need to get acquainted before even being interested.
A reasonable approach is to get to know them a bit then indicate your interest in a low pressure, confident way. Make it clear that you’re into them and also make sure there’s a comfortable way for them to turn you down.
do you perhaps have an example for a nice way to state my intentions while giving an easy way for them to opt out?
Smething direct but low key like saying “Hey, I like spending time with you. I’m happy to just be friends, so feel free to say no, but I’d like to get to know you better. Can I take you out sometime?”
This demonstrates confidence without pressure, and shows respect for their feelings without being wimpy.
It can be better for both people to avoid letting it build up into a big thing inside yourself while the other person doesn’t even know you’re interested. This can lead to very mismatched expectations and more painful disappointment.
Expect some rejection, it happens all the time, and realize that even rejections are helpful practice.
To meet interesting people, be an interesting person. Pick up some hobbies, volunteer work, and/or exercise routines. Choose ones that are social, frequented by other people your own age, and most importantly of interest/passion to you. I’d highly recommend activities that involve the outdoors as a place to start; in my experience they tend to be less stuffy and better for socializing if everyone’s naturally moving around (example: chatting up a stranger at the gym = creepy; chatting up a stranger on a group hike or river cleanup event = expected/encouraged). You may need to shop around for different activities and groups until you find one you jive with and that’s okay. Above all else, do NOT go into them specifically with dating in mind! Your goals should be: 1) engaging in an activity of interest/passion, 2) making new friends/acquaintances, 3) learning about new activity/socialization opportunities (often the best stuff is discovered through word-of-mouth, best friends met as a friend-of-a-friend, etc). Dating opportunities are sure to pop up, but be patient because they’ll usually be when you least expect it. If you force the issue you risk coming off as pushy/creepy. Remember most people are just there to engage in the activity and maybe make new friends; if you want a scene where flirtation is expected and most people have dating in mind stick with bars, speed dating events, etc.
I think of myself as an interesting person - and I know quite a lot of them. I guess my question was more about “getting to know interesting people to go on dates with”.
Maybe as an extra challenge: I am identified as male and am in my mid-30s
Okay, having read your responses to other comments it looks like you’re looking for advice on how to ask people out. Which is different from your original questions, so you’re not getting the answers you’re looking for.
It sounds like you don’t have issues with meeting people, which is step one. Step two is identifying who of those people you are interested in and are potentially available. Step three is asking them out (or being asked out) successfully. Step three is difficult for many people, especially if step two is ignored/skipped. Step three is also the most complicated, and I’d recommend making a completely new post about it because what you’ve done here is the relationship equivalent of asking the internet how to do basic algebra, and following it up with “now how do I utilize that concept in this seven-part question from my Calculus II homework?”
For the new post I’d recommend including a lot more context, including your gender, orientation, age range, dating experience/history, and what specifically you’re struggling with. For instance, are you asking people out but getting turned down? Are you struggling to identify who to ask out? Are you having difficulty making your romantic (vs platonic) intentions known, or interpreting if the other person is interested back? Give examples of what has/hasn’t worked. Your original questions were too vague and too lacking in personal detail to get the specific advice it sounds like you’re looking for.
Also, are you by chance neurodivergent? That is another factor that will change the advice that you’re looking for.
A final obligatory disclaimer: please do be careful with what advice you seek out and receive. There is a lot of shitty “dating strategy” advice out there that is ineffective at best and harmful at worst (redpill, alpha male, Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, etc). Failure can easily come from taking good advice to the extreme: yes it helps to be a well-groomed, well-dressed, fit, good-looking, charismatic, and financially successful person, but that doesn’t mean that if you’re not late-90s Brad Pitt you’re doomed to failure (that’s the incel trap). Also, some people luck out and live long, happy lives with the first person they ask out, but that’s exceedingly rare. Nearly everyone faces failure in dating, and sometimes that failure was because of something you did wrong or could have done better (lessons to learn from), but sometimes it’s just because the two people weren’t a good fit (no lesson to learn, except dust yourself off and try again).
i have never been diagnosed (nor do i think i suffer) but i’m almost 100% sure i’m not normal ;)
that being said i don’t think my question was wrong: i am wondering how other people find people willing to go out on dates without opting for online dating-services. this is not really the same as “how do i get to know people”, “how do i make friends” or “how can i become more interesting”. i see how these questions can relate to mine but they are not really the same, unless the universal answer to my question was: “you live your life and ask out whoever you find interesting - just make sure to make negative responses easy and the whole situation not too weird”
but thanks for all the input, this gives me some indications how you people deal with the situation (:
Get hobbies and go out irl
i have hobbies and i do go out - so what now?
Do you make friends while out? Flirt?
acquantances yes, friends sometimes, flirt rarely - which when i try more often than not feels awkward and almost never results in a mutually flirty interaction, so i let it go
Odds are pretty good that, without some kind of online social media presences that isn’t anonymous, you’re going to be viewed with suspicion. By which I mean, people may be more like to believe that you’re actively hiding (an) existing relationship(s), or significant skeletons in your closet (such as, for instance, being a Trump supporter). The odds that this will be the assumption will be vastly increased if you’re male.
soo… any advice?
I would suggest creating a very modest social media presence that you can connect to people you know IRL and family. Especially family. See if there’s a way to run all of that sandboxed though, through a VPN, to minimize privacy leaks. I have a very limited Facebook page, and I have containers set up in Firefox so taht–in theory–Facebook can’t access anything else that I’m doing in my browser. Having a desktop browser that you only use for Facebook, et al. might work. (You probably want to be sure that any photos you post are stripped of exif data, and don’t have visible landmarks in them; makes geolocation more difficult.) Yes, you probably need to at least create the appearance of a life on Facebook and/or Twitter.
If you are male, you’re going to need to make sure that your social media presence contains information that is likely to make potential partners feel safe. I’m going to leave that up to you to decide what that means, but I know what my red flags would be.
Aside from that - for men, my go-to is suggesting that they cultivate a sincere interest in dance, and take modern, jazz, and ballet classes. (Also: get in shape!) My major in college was one that is traditionally dominated by women and gay men; had I been single at the time (and TBH that marriage was a mistake from the beginning), it would have been very, very easy to date, since 90% of the people I was around and working very closely with were women. That said, don’t do X, Y, or Z just to meet women, which seems like it’s an oxymoron; you need to actually be interested in the thing.
Why is this getting downvotes?!
