I just went outside and shoved a random pedestrian over from behind, then forearmed another in the back of the head. Apparently it’s OK to do. I’m currently in the back of a police van protesting my innocence. I was going to be let off until I told them I was an Arsenal fan…

Has Ten Hag been sacked yet?

Calling Saliba a Rolls Royce is unfair. He’s actually one of those one off custom supercars seriously wealthy people have.

My work contract has been extended for another 6 months despite me feeling like i’m not doing great, so I must be doing something right.