You’re being extremely hard on yourself here; I say so because I struggle with the same thoughts and the same issues. Have you considered that you might have some mental health issues going on that could use therapy or treatment? Or that you might be neurodivergent? I’m autistic with bipolar disorder, and perhaps adhd. I believe that if it was a moral failing on your part. You wouldn’t actually be so disturbed by the difficulty you have in applying yourself. People who don’t care, just don’t care imo.

I have an extremely hard time due to these things. My executive functioning is pretty fucked. Motivation is something I just don’t possess, to the point of not even being able to leave the house even if it’s to do things I normally like to do. I’ll stand up to get ready to do it, and sit right back down, it’s a constant fight. It’s also extremely hard to keep routines, and some regular hygiene stuff has become extremely taxing or hard to remember. Doesn’t help that we are living in a hellscape, that just exacerbates things.

I’m in a period of pretty severe burnout, and it fucking sucks. But I think since I recognized that I do suffer from cognitive difficulties that other people don’t, it’s helped me to be a little bit kinder to myself. When I’m kinder to myself, I beat myself up less and I think that helps me to do more than I would otherwise.

As most others said, this is definitely clinical depression.

I’ve experienced extremely similar things, and am just now coming out of it (and it may be too early to declare victory). I see you’ve been getting help and it is ineffective. That is pretty common, sadly. Psychology is still in the dark ages.

I don’t have any perfect silver bullets for you. What I will say is that you are NOT broken, you’re not undisciplined, you’re not a piece of shit. We love you, and you’re worthwhile.

It can start off very small. Literally just get out of bed for the day and shower. If that’s all you can do, so be it. The notion that it’s all or nothing, fail or success, is not true when it comes to mental health. Brushing your teeth for 30 seconds once a day is far better than not at all. Rinsing off in the shower is miles better than not even attempting. 10 push ups is a step toward truly working out.

These are all very small things, intentionally. You literally cannot just pull yourself out of it in one swoop. It’s not possible for people like us (or anyone in this situation), and so you shouldn’t be down on yourself because of it or expect to be able to.

This was really ranty and probably all shit you’ve heard before and I apologize for that. These things might not even work for you. I just want you to know that if you keep trying, it will pass. Change is constant - dialectics! You’ve got it, my friend. It may not be soon, but it will get better. And those better days are worth living for.

I can very much relate. It was like this constant depression that felt endless even though there were short breaks of feeling okay. I felt alien and very different to “normal” functioning people and basically lived exactly how you described.

Eventually I stumbled upon someone talking about CPTSD or complex post traumatic stress disorder, it’s basically like ptsd but caused by chronic repeated traumatic events. A lightbulb went off as I learned more about it and I realized that I was in deep denial about being abused and neglected as a kid. I basically internalized what I was told growing up about being lazy, ungrateful, ect. There was also a lot of physical abuse for disappointing my parents so I became obsessed with all the ways I wasn’t good enough. In a fucked up way it kept me safe as a powerless kid. Criticizing myself viscously allowed me to get ahead of what my dangerous parents wanted and put energy into heading it off before things blew up. It was a survival mechanism that was killing me in adulthood.

Obviously I don’t know if you have similar experiences but the way you talk about yourself rings a bell for me, and as lame as it sounds learning to care about and love myself somewhat has been the only way I’ve made any progress towards being happier. When you start to have empathy for yourself you start to want to do all those things to take care of yourself.

All that being said even if you don’t relate to this at all therapy or some kind of mental health assistance is probably the way. Also sorry if this makes you uncomfortable or comes off as armchair diagnosis but I’m passionate about it because I wish the info was available to me before I spent my twenties in self hatred. As it turns out most people are not this hard on themselves and I had no clue. Wishing you well ❤️

The feelings you described are pretty much a textbook definition of depression. I would strongly suggest seeing a psychiatrist and basically showing them this post. Not only because there are many options of effective medication that exist today, but also because depression is often comorbid with other mental conditions.

The longer you exist in this state, the harder it becomes to come out of it on your own. Mental health professionals exist specifically to help and guide you through it.

You’re describing clinical depression. Seek medical assistance.

Executive disfunction is a nightmare, what you are saying here almost describes me to a tee too.

I’m not gonna say you have X or Y, but you definitely need to seek mental health evaluation. I know it is probably tough even thinking of doing that, I only managed to after years of being afraid of doing it.

And please don’t be so though on yourself, it’s easy to take blame for everything, if you really were a coward you wouldn’t make this post. You clearly care about this and want to change, and that shows strength and a will to turn your life around.

I don’t think forcing yourself to change is gonna do you good, instead take it slow.

Something that is really helping me over the years is realizing that much of the reason I have these issues is because of something outside of my control, even when something doesn’t look like it is that. Also being kinder to myself, instead of thinking I’m dumb or a idiot for doing or not doing something and beating myself over it, I try to accept it and realize this stuff happens, telling myself it’s gonna be ok and I try to take it easy. It is really slowly changing my self image, but it is a change nonetheless.

It’s not a linear progression tho and there are gonna be times when it gets tough, but it is possible to get better, I believe in you, comrade.

Don’t have much to add, and I don’t want to sound like “just take a walk bro” but I was going through some similar stuff a while back, and what worked for me was the following. Obviously, medical help is always best.

First I carefully and deliberately dropped all the meds my leech of a shrink put me on based on a horrible misdiagnosis. Obviously don’t do this without a lot of care and consideration, but it was an important bit of the journey because both being on chemicals and dropping them clearly affected my brain.

Then I spent a whole lot of time walking around in my city trying to understand it first hand. Y’know, finding spots where homeless people are safer, where to forage food, places where actual nature still exist and where it has either been destroyed or turned into those sterile settler grasslands. I’m not from around here, but I don’t think people from car-heavy settler cities ever truly know their city on a deep level.

This helped both build some love for the region but also hatred for the impacts of the societal organisations. Parallel to that I researched a lot about how to safely and reliably kill myself (not as an immediate desire, bit for curiousity), and noticed it’d be incredibly expensive.

But honestly, the part that really helped along with all of that was the people. Due to neurospicyness I don’t really enjoy friendships so this is not some mushy “love gives life purpspose” thing, but actively throwing myself at the problems of people around me really made life make some sense.

I guess since I already decided my life had no worth to myself, it can at least serve as a tool to help other people who actually enjoy living have some worthwhile ones. This obviously isn’t the only or best way to this, but thought I should share.

Hope you find a way that works for you somehow.

For me, when I start working out, it improves me and my live in multiple ways. Apart from the obvious health benefits:

• it makes me want to eat well
• it forces me to take hygiene seriously, because you don’t wanna be unwashed after having worked out
• it encourages me to have a good routine because I work out early in the morning
• it helps me quit smoking and drinking because it gets in the way of gaining muscle
• working out helps improve mental health because of some neurotransmitter/hormone/science bullshit

If you are in a rut you should think about getting into some kind of exercise routine. Simplest one is joining a gym and maybe getting a personal trainer if you can afford one. You can do other things too, like cycling or rock climbing so feel free to explore other options.

You will be useful to the revolution if you don’t feel like shit. Your parents will also appreciate you looking after yourself. So I highly recommend it.

For the past two years I barely worked out because of a back injury. Now I have almost completed the rehab and worked out for four days straight and feeling really well. My body is sore from neck down (except the core). It feels great. I am not an expert. The weights I lift are very modest and I also work out alone (the exercising itself and deciding the workout plan) by myself. But if you are hesitant feel free to shoot questions my way. I will try my best to help.

As some other comrades have said I think executive dysfunction is something to look into. If you can get evaluated for ADHD I definitely would try to. I have struggled with extremely similar issues and Covid especially compounded that, but about a year ago I finally got my shit together and got an ADHD diagnosis and medication to treat it. I still have a long, long way to go to achieve the things I want to but I can firmly say I have accomplished more in the past year of my life than in the five previous to that.

Progress is going to be slow and incremental, sometimes nonexistent or outright in reverse but it can be done I think. Hopefully you can access some half decent resources where you are.

You might want to chat with a licensed therapist, if you have the option. If you’re having difficulty with motivation and things don’t make you happy like you feel they used to (plus the other things you said), you might have depression.

If so, things like exercise and diet can help a lot. But they may not always and talking to a pro can really help.

I empathise with so much of this.

Except: stop being hard on yourself for not meeting some threshold of usefulness to revolution. You’re in burgerland. The fact that you have class consciousness is already a W. Maybe in alternate timelines there’s versions of you with higher paying jobs, paying their mortgages or maybe even owning property and driving a car. I guarantee to you all those versions of you are libs, and if any of them have class consciousness they’re either capitalists or they’re in denial about it. Those other versions might look like they’re individually winning, but they’re contributing less to humanity winning than you are.

You’re a commie in burgerland. You’re no coward. The currents of capitalism are so strong that it takes more work for you to stand still than it does for libs to swim in the direction they think is ‘forward’.

When this storm passes, consider doing some self-crit about this self-hate. There’s a lot of good advice in this thread but you’re the only one who truly understands your circumstances enough to know which advice is the best for you, and you’re the only one who can choose to follow it.

Gonna add onto the clinical depression train but also suggest maybe get an ADHD eval

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Don’t get yourself down comrade, you’re doing a ton of great work on lemmy, and while this isn’t irl organizing, we do have the potential to change the public narrative in a positive way. If we even manage to convert even one liberal to communism, either through our technical labor or our communist agitation, then that is a victory we can be proud of.

I’ve also had to take a break from irl organizing, because I tend to take on way more work than I can handle, and know I’d be too overburdened and can’t handle the extra work right now.

I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility.

I don’t personally believe mindset is ever a real problem, the only problem is that we haven’t yet formed habits to acheive what we want for ourselves. Habits are formed by repetition, not willpower.

I encourage you to write down 10 or so long term goals, put it on a piece of paper, and stick it on your wall. Then recheck that list periodically, to see how you’re doing on it. Make sure it’s things you actually want and like doing. If one of them is “learn to cook”, pick out some things you’ve had at restaurants that you enjoy, and youtube recipe them. Shoot for making one meal you like a week from scratch.

Or if one is “get in good shape”, then create a weekly workout regimen, there are tons of swole and fit comrades who can give pointers who’ve been doing this for years. My one was that I wanted first to be fit, then to have low body fat, then to have a strong upper body, then to get a six pack. Rather than shame or willpower my way through these goals, I slowly formed consistent habits, that I check off in my todo app.

If you want to read more, pick out some books you want to read, and start out with say 10 minutes a day, no internet, reading only. Once the habit forms, you can increase the time if you want to.

I recommend a todo app either like tasks.org, or loop habit tracker… something where you can set recurring habits, and feel satisfied when you check them off. Even for things like hygiene, they can really help you form habits.

You are not a coward comrade, you’re just correctly seeing things you’d like to do to improve yourself, and are failing bc the willpower and shame method doesn’t work.

I feel a bit like this but not nearly to this extreme. When I’m tired (which is basically every school day) I tend to only be able to do the easiest thing in front of me. If I have my phone I’ll keep scrolling or checking notifications, if I have a book I’ll keep reading. If you can find it within you to actually grab a book or even play an audiobook while you play a game the inertia will be more productive. You could try keeping your phone outside of the room and read when you go to bed. For another disciplined thing that doesn’t require movement, I suggest meditation. Obviously, this should be in conjunction with dealing with the underlying issues, but I hope it does some good.