I just want to vent a bit - I started seeing someone a few weeks ago. Old fling that I ran into through some friends that got rekindled, and I was excited that it seemed like more than just casual hookups this time. But there were some yellow flags I ignored that turned out to be red flags, and now I’m feeling frustrated and hurt.
Dude for real dropped the line that men are more “capable” and “logical” on me. That gender studies are “indoctrination.” I told him we should probably stop seeing each other if that’s really what he thinks. It wouldn’t be logical for me to keep seeing someone that thinks lesser of me, now, would it?
I’m grateful to have some guy friends that I turned to after I left, cuz I wanted to go into “fuck all men” mode, but I know it’s not true or helpful. Just like there are women out there that have internalized misogyny, there’s feminist men, enbies, etc. We’re all just people and we’re not monoliths beholden to differences in biology. This is just sexist, manosphere bullshit in particular
Anyway. I’m still feeling angry and wanted to put it out there for some support and solidarity. Anyone have a recent win they’d like to share or something?
ETA: Thank you so much for the conversation y’all! I’ve been trying to keep up but I gotta get some sleep. I’ll check in later but hope everyone has a good day. Keep up the empowerment! 💜
If it helps anything, I can imagine men usually assume they are as an individual more logical and capable than other men as well. Projecting this on women is just even easier as other man will agree.
https://xkcd.com/610
Yes! I had noticed he was being a dick to his roommate at one point, who’s our mutual friend. Really caught me off guard. Fucked up product of how men can be socialized in sexist societies. I just feel bad for everyone in that dynamic, even the guys putting others down, cuz they think it’ll help them get their needs met but it just shoots them in the foot. And of course victims don’t deserve that treatment to begin with. We should be lifting each other up, validating that we’re all capable and logical
Fwiw, on social media, if one doesn’t obviously show which gender they are, they will usually be assumed to be a male. There are more women around here than some people think, and they are always adressed as bro, homie, dude, my man, and so on. So, apparently, the differences are not always as obvious as some people assume. Edited a word to correct english
I’ve actually used this before to argue with someone about gender v sex, and it can be fun when I’m not romantically interested lol. Just play into it on anonymous accounts that they can’t know your gender, so why assign it at all if it’s not explicitly stated? The person I argued with eventually admitted they were just scared of making a mistake in social settings, so I encouraged them to practice. It doesn’t take that long to get used to, and it’s exactly how you prevent mistakes!
But then I added in another comment, we’re human and there’s room for error. It’s the people that intentionally misgender that are the assholes
Interesting, and i agree; i never even try to assume gender when talking to people online.
As a side note, apart from logic and rationality, i never noticed women being more emotional than men. Also, from what i’ve seen online, men often are quite talkative and the first to break the ice or share an opinion or experience.
But in the end, i prefer to look at individuals and try not to focus on labels.
For sure. Not to say there aren’t differences between genders, but yeah, I tried pointing out to the guy from my post that we’re all emotional creatures, and ignoring that can have pretty damaging effects. He did try to say women are more emotional along with men being more logical, and of course my reaction was to feel angry at the injustice and explain that. Feels much healthier and logical for me to listen to that emotion and walk away. Now I’m getting all talkative lol. Think that shows women (well, I’m nonbinary AFAB) may talk more when they feel safe, and I appreciate you contributing to that:)
Much healthier indeed; one will never convince people who are not open to other viewpoints anyway, and it would just suck the energy right out of you.
My own username explicitly alludes to my gender and I still get called a man about half the time. I don’t really care or anything, but I think it’s funny
Wait, you are a woman? Just kidding. I noticed that many people, myself often included, often don’t read that carefully, or don’t pay that much attention to the usernames. It wouldn’t be the first time i’m typing a reply, say, to answer a question and only then notice that the person already added something in their text, like: i already tried this, and my reply is useless and i delete the draft.
I also don’t really care that much that people assume my gender, but whether you read carefully or not; why assume everyone here is male. I see a lot of guys commenting that there are not many women on lemmy; well duh, if you assume everyone is male… I always try to reply to people without assuming gender, but apparently, for some people that is hard.
Yeah, I mean you’re absolutely right. There is a male default assumption we tend to have. Maybe it’s a quirk of language, but I think it’s certainly more cultural. Our preconceived notions of “person in internet” is masculine, even though women use the internet just as much and make up half the population. The only time it’s not the case is when you’re in places that are exclusively for women, or in places where the hobby is so dominantly feminine
For simple shit like this, I don’t think it’s particularly harmful or malicious. We invent a person we’re talking to online, and the more often invented person is a man. It’s more a symptom of the greater culture at large, and effectively just a part of our language. We have “they” but I think there’s also a gender-neutral “he” that we just don’t recognize that arose from the male-as-default idea. Intentionally misgendering, on the other hand, is 100% a shitty thing to do, but that’s an argument on a different topic anyway
Or at least, we are all capable of being incapable and illogical. We are all just human after all.
Of course, give ourselves room for error, but we also learn from it
In my experience, the real thought bubble is probably closer to “Look at all these people who have their shit so together. I’m such a loser. I hope they can’t figure out that I’m faking it.”
Edit to add:
The people who really are losers (as opposed to just believing they are) put others down to try to build themselves up.
I agree with this thought and it’s precisely men that aren’t smart enough (or narcissistic af) who come up with this idea
Uhhh… I mean, not to defend this asshole, but isn’t this just as sexist a thought?
I think you may be interpreting “men” as all men, but I think the post meant, “precisely men that aren’t smart enough (or narcissistic af)”
That is, the men who say things like this tend to be men that aren’t smart enough or are simply too narcissistic to realize it’s wrong.
I think you’re right! I actually realised this a while after I reread this but I never really bothered to write about the epiphany 😅