I don’t really do anything worthwhile. Or at least that is what it sounds like when it is talked about. “You didn’t have to do that” “you don’t feel like that do you” I must really not be good at anything, and I really did think I was helping. But I guess I should keep to what I am good at, being in the way.
I have what I need, a place so no one will need to deal with clean up, and I have the know how. Courage is the thing I need and let me tell you my courage grows everyday.
I will probably delete this when I wakeup in the morning because I am a coward, but soon I will have the strength and need the relief enough.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Always. No exceptions.
It absolutely is, and it is time for me to permanently be out of the way of more productive and useful people
That’s a shame. I’m sure there will be many people that will be deeply saddened by your absence.
I lost my dog of 15 years less than two weeks ago, and just found out my mother is vomiting blood in a hospital as a result of liver failure. On a good day, my depression and anxiety is high. This is almost too much for me to handle, but i am. And I will. Because I know that things change. As quickly as things go bad, they can get good. It requires time, and a tremendous amount of honesty with one’s self.
Right now, you at least possess one of those things. Wait it out. And work towards a goal. If you think you’re in the way of others, you’re not.
They’re in YOUR way.
I honestly appreciate this, and I am sorry to hear you are going through all of that. It really sounds like there is someone that needs your help. You hold on for her, I am sure she needs you. I think you have enough on you, you don’t need to be focusing your energy on me.
But I will focus on you anyway. People care. Even when you don’t think they do, they do. It’s easy to see the world in ways that justify our mind-set. This is because it’s easier for us to make it seem as if the world conspires against us for our faults than it is to fix them-
-or to even acknowledge them.
I learned this lesson long ago, and it was a big one to overcome. And it was hard. But it was worth it. I’m here. To speak to you. So don’t waste that. Realize what it is.
We are here to help each other. You’re not in my way.
And I can’t not be with her, she’s 3,000 miles away. So I’m here.
I had honestly lost track of the the fact that there are caring people in the world, and, even though you have no reason to, I ask you to trust me I hold no delusion that I am conspired against, I know where I am safe, and where I am unsafe. I am sure a lot of my depression comes from a lack of a feeling of safety, and a lack of trustworthy people. I have some deficits and need some amount of help and I have some rather extreme trauma in my past, I am just so tired.
It is okay to be tired. I’m sure you’re exhausted. Emotional turmoil is a huge drain on pretty much everyone. You just need to hang in there when things get rough. Get to they pace where you’re safe and indulge in distractions and comforts. The rest of the world will be there when it’s time to deal.
And by conspired against, I meant how you feel like you’re in peoples way when you’re almost certainly not.
You know how you can be told something so long you start to believe it. I guess I notice that I only seem to be in the way when when nothing is broken, but if you keep hearing it you tend to believe it. I am sure I am easy to convince because I crave interaction, they all know how lonely I am. So am I in the way, maybe not sometimes, am I led to believe that, with out ambiguity I am told that I am just a burden.
Also, to define terms the they are my aunt, my mom, and a few of their friends. This constitutes the whole of my human interaction. I don’t believe it is a conspiracy they are just selfish people.
Also my mom is my primary support.
Hope you’re still around. Hang in there.
There will come a time when you will not need to go to others for emotional sustenance. Wether it be self-esteem or anything else. You’ll not need that from others as you will have the ability to support your own confidence internally. Within yourself.
I know this all sounds like complete nonsense, but trust me, it isn’t. You’re looking at yourself through the eyes of others. And this is not very healthy- especially if you have zero peripheral vision. But when you realize that you’re so much more than what others see you as- you’ll come alive. Maybe for the first time ever.
And this will be a defining moment for you.
Please- try and see your value. You matter more then you will probably ever know.