On October 25, 2019, I woke up, hungover again, after grabbing just a few hours of restless, pass out sleep, and called in sick to work, again. I lay there, wallowing in self-hatred and depression, my head pounding and my stomach queasy, and I was just desperate not to have to live like this. I opened up the note app on my phone, and wrote myself a message not to forget how this felt and never to go back. It was a hail Mary, I’d tried and failed so many times to give it up, but like I said, I was desperate so I threw myself a message in a bottle that I could go back and read.
It worked. I got rid of all leftover booze in my house, which I’d tried before, and took it day by day. I haven’t had a drop since. I read and re-read that note to myself multiple times over the years, and it’s helped remind me of that day, of how it feels to be under that yoke. And it’s strengthened me in my resolve to never take it on again.
If you’re reading this, I’m not saying that this is the answer for you. What I am saying is that there is hope, things can change, life can get better. You aren’t doomed, you can be free of this. Don’t stop fighting, don’t stop struggling, even when it gets hard. You can do it. You can make it.
I believe in you. I support you. IWNDWYT.
Yeah I felt shitty more often than not for sure. Not necessarily a full on hangover, but definitely a deep depression. I’m on medication for depression already and it helps so much more now that I’m sober. It was that self-hatred more than any of the physical symptoms that made me want to quit. Depression and drinking is a vicious cycle that reinforces itself with every step, I’d long since realized that but just couldn’t bring myself to care for so long.
I honestly don’t know what it was about that day that did it. I’d woken up feeling much worse in the past, both physically and mentally, and that wasn’t enough to get me to stop before. I guess I was just done with feeling like that due to my own actions, if I was going to suffer depression anyway, at the very least I didn’t want to suffer at my own hand.
I understand the suicidal feelings, that was a regular part of my life too. If you’re not already, I definitely encourage you to seek help for depression, medication can help, and giving up alcohol alongside it can do wonders.