I go out this morning for a cigarette. My neighbor comes out, dressed to the nines, and starts walking my way. Being a conscious individual, I walk out of the way, holding my cigarette off, and say, “Excuse me.” He looks at me funny, before saying “Good morning,” in a tone and cadence and with a scrutinous expression that would be better expressed in the words, “It’s good morning,” implying I said the wrong thing and he was giving me the correct answer.

This is what it’s always like. I make micro-mistakes on top of being a loose cannon also being schizoaffective, and people judge me, perhaps not harshly, but with a certain harshness to their judgment. Xenophobia comes to mind. Y’know, I don’t behave exactly like them, and I feel this may trigger perceptions related to the uncanny valley, in that my behavior is aberrant but not severely, so that triggers feelings that I’m up to something in them; skeeving them out in a minor way.

Perhaps? I don’t know what it’s like to be “normal,” but I have spent my life studying other people, and I have some insight as I have cared and thought about why I am wrong so I may be better for others, whereas the average, neurotypical person has moments of awkwardness but as a whole thinks themselves pretty dandy, so frequently there are moments where they make a slight error, but therein they don’t even notice it, having assumed their course through life is infallible.

And this is where I’m learning how to go up while most people need to learn to go down. Truly, people listened to Jesus not because of what he said, but the authority in which he spoke. A good leader is one that inspires confidence, and likewise the idea of con artistry is built around confidence. I am not confident at all. I default to assuming I’m wrong. Many people need to come down a peg to learn the relativity of their own operating system.

Just because no one calls you out doesn’t mean you’re not wrong, it means no one’s called you out, so perhaps they are too confident in that they automatically dissuade the people that are bothered by the thoughtlessness in their actions from saying anything, having created a systemic effect amongst society by the normal people deciding what normative is, when it’s all relative and ain’t no objective right way to be but being good to one another.