I just dont see a point anymore, I applied to every IT role under the sun and nothing, IT was jut step down cause I grew up and realized, I had better chances of winning the lottery than getting a game Dev job, or hevk really any cs gig that did anything cool. I tried to make the best of that decision, now I’m realizing there is a very high likelyhood I just work at Walmart forever, and I’m like fuck that. My firnefs tell me thats okay everyone hates their job I need to grow the fuck up. Like dude what the actual fuck. Your telling me I’m gonna spend 40 hours week of my life, not be able to afford anything nice or even have time. And die alone at 70 fuck that. The second my parents die, I’m the literal second I get the call, buying a gun, and driving out in the middle of no where, eating my favorite food I bought on credit card and pulling the trigger. There ain’t nothing to live for, I’m autistic anti social, fuck this shit. I didn’t habe fun, the past 24 years have been shit. No one cares about me, fuck it. I’m done. I cried for the past 6 hours the only thought of joy I fucking had was blowing my brains out. To not have to do this fucking shit anymore. I fucking hating it. I hate myself too.

  • skymtf@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    5·
    4 days ago

    I’m on leave from work cause I nearly got fired, truthfully I’m too disabled to be doing thay much ohyically labor at the speed they want. But what choice do I have, I’m nervous as I go back on the 29th, and I’m worse now. I ball my eyes out a lot. Its not so much about I have to work forever, but its the fact there’s nothing left really, like if I did work retail forever what is the point exactly. Life is the passage of time, and how you spend that. If I spent 99% of it in some box all day, pushing Freight I can’t afford, getting yelled at by people richer than me. As I get sicker and sadder. What’s the point. Its so bad I disassosite, I lost 3 entire weeks of my life, I did not remember any of it. Just gone like it never happened, my brain deleted it. This happens so much, the time between last April and this April genunily feel like a couple of months ago to me. I just want more than this, anything more then this. I want out.

    • bustrouffi@lemmy.worldEnglish
      2·
      4 days ago

      I’m so sorry to hear all that… You are dealing with a fuck ton of pressure! Not surprised you want to get rid of all this and sort it out.

      I completely understand about the fear of the passage of time and I feel very aware of my mortality so I really get what you’re saying. I just tried to spend my time as best I can and part of that is earning a wage so that I can at least buy the things I want to do on my time off or not have to worry about the basics (food, bills, housing, meds)

      All I can advise is just keep trying to look after the basics - it makes the bad stuff easier and that effect will stack and then it becomes easier.

      I always say weed can be really helpful because it makes you forget the stressful things in your life but the problem is then you don’t address the stressful things in your life, which keeps you in limbo, if you know what I mean.

      Going back after being off work succkkkkkssss. I’ve always found it so embarrassing weird and awkward. Are you able to at least not stay at work on your lunch break or whatever, just get out and go for a walk to get some space?

      Sorry if you have shitty working conditions and what I’m describing isn’t even possible! If you can’t go for a walk can you find somewhere quiet to just hideout? I used to go and lie on the floor in the prayer room to decompress at work cuz no one ever prayed in there 👍😁

      • skymtf@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
        3·
        4 days ago

        I smoke weed if I can get my hands on it which is rarer are rarer these days, I snort crushed uo concerta, doesn’t do much anymore, had better luck actually taking it as prescribed, I used to feel something when I did.

        • Aangeni@slrpnk.netEnglish
          1·
          2 days ago

          No shame with the drugs, and that maybe part of your problem. Bring nerodivergent with mental illness can really fuck you up with how drugs work for you. Depending on how (not) addicted you are it maybe worth going sober and see if that helps.

      • skymtf@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
        3·
        4 days ago

        I used to hang out with people but then they got their own lives, I sometimes play video games. Recently its gotten to a point where I dont habe much energy so I just end up sleeping. I sleep like 12 hours a day normally, since my body physically takes that long to recover after a day of doing stuff.