(It looks like the vLemmy instance is no longer working, so I recreated the community here)
Hi everyone, my name is loopy and I created this lemmy community to make a space for people to share and support each other through the challenges of having a friend or family member struggling with addiction. As the sidebar says, this is not to replace therapy; think of it like an online support group. I’ll get the ball rolling a little bit by sharing that my BIL has been struggling with addiction. First to opioids, then to his Adderall prescription. The mood swings are an understatement. I get glimpses of sobriety but then the cycles continue. It honestly gets pretty exhausting to keep trying to have empathy only to be let down again.
My wife and my focus lately has been setting boundaries. He knows how to manipulate my wife, so I said that we all need to be present when deciding something (eg if he is staying at our house for the weekend). It feels uncomfortable for her, but it has been minimizing the stress. I have learned the valuable lesson of keeping yourself safe and well first. This is basically not possible for my wife to set this boundary with him, so my role has been a lot of reassurance and being consistent.
Another essential lesson we have discovered is to distinctly define roles. We are not therapists and cannot be a detox center. We have literally tried because he talked us into it.
The last recent thing we concluded is that the whole process has to be their decision. No matter how badly we want for him to succeed and how many ways we facilitate that success, if he doesn’t want to do it, he will find any excuse not to follow through. Actions are the only way to measure progress (words and promises aren’t worth much), and he must follow through first.We love him and truly wish for him to thrive in life. It is heartbreaking to see the lows, but as long as we don’t compromise on our own well-being, we will continue supporting him on his journey to recovery.
How have you all managed? How has addiction affected your life? Personally, I would love nothing more than to see some success stories to encourage others, but I know those are sometimes rare.
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My step brother had, what I suspect to be, addictive tendencies from his alcoholic mother. Unfortunately, it was in the peak of the Perdue/Sackler times so he eventually ended up on opiates.
We were only a year apart and the teenage years went from dark to darker when he ended up on the streets, somewhat “voluntarily”.
I saw my stepfather, a decent man, try basically everything to get his son back. However, it’s just like you say, there’s nothing to be done unless the addict wants to get clean.
He died a some years ago in his mid 20s, followed recently by his mother who’s liver finally gave way. I feel so bad for my stepfather losing his only child.
I have extended family still battling addition, some for decades. Really didn’t see this coming when I was young but now I’ve come to peace with the situation. They have my love and (emotional) support but the battle is not mine to fight.
That sounds really heartbreaking to watch that happen. I’m really sorry you had to experience that loss of people close in your life. I can only imagine the pain and grief you went through. But I’m glad to hear that you are more at peace with things now. Do you have your own support people now?
I think that is similar to the grief my wife is going through right now; wanting so desperately to have things improve but feeling powerless as someone she loves continue to struggle. He has been hospitalized multiple times and now jailed, and each time it seems like it is his “wake up call,” only to have him later place the blame on some external factor. At a certain point, I’ve had to remind my wife that nothing can be assumed (like that this is for sure a wake-up call) and that he can backslide into bad habits at any point. It’s so exhausting to keep putting in the support work. We need to pace ourselves and give support when we have some to give.
In my opinion, material support like shelter or money only pushes an addict further from a potential “wake up call”. I favour treating them with respect, love and understanding, while drawing boundaries for what support is available.
However, this balance was really what my stepfather was always trying to figure out and that I experienced indirectly while still living with them (so easier said than done).
It’s also not safe to assume an addict will ever get better, sadly many never will. And, even if they get clean for an extended amount of time, their battle to stay clean can last for the rest of their life.
Thankfully, I have a very caring and supportive family in general.
I live in Europe now and every once in a while the situation in the US is mentioned. Crazy how it’s so abstract for people over here, I really think a majority of people in the US have first hand experience with addiction/addicts.
It’s really hard watching the cycle of abuse. I have a parent who has abused hard drugs on/off throughout my life, but consistently abuses alcohol. I think they know it’s an issue, but they also have mental health issues that they don’t address, so the cycle continues.
I had to cut them off and it has been such a difficult process. It’s been around 4 years and it’s still a struggle. The lack of chaos significantly outweighs the hardships though.
It truly is exhausting and painful to be a part of the cycles. I’m so glad that you were able to recognize the situation and do what you needed to keep yourself safe. For me, it was a no-brained. My mom and sister were making me doubt myself and holding me back in a comfortable position in their lives, so I moved away and am so glad I did. My wife however, has a different culture that does not necessarily allow for an easy way to walk away. She is very tight-knit with them, so making safe space has been a challenge. But it really is necessary to move forward with your own life.
