crosspostato da: https://lemmy.world/post/19511663

I need to process some things that happened a year ago. I’ve actually been doing this all the while but it keeps coming up and I don’t understand why. Hope this gives me closure

In October I started the second part of my lessons with a 50 year old instructor, I was 25. I had already checked his profile online and discovered he’s a songwriter and I admired many things about him, from his career to lifestyle and values, at least from afar. So I immediately hoped I would be assigned to him and was very curious: I love music and he’s had a great career and seemed like a great person.

It started well but my mood began to deteriorate over time, likely influenced by my unsettling experience with my first instructor, who had been inappropriate with me. This left me feeling lonely, confused, and emotionally cold.

I noticed that my interactions with the second instructor changed, as he didn’t seem to like me as much in the following lessons. He had some peculiar behaviors that I still can’t explain, as if trying to put me down or be mean with no apparent reason. Other times he was very nice, he’d open the car door for me or get my bag from the backseat and pass it to me when outside the car, He apologized for minor things… With time he changed, he seemed warmer.

On the day of the exam, I was waiting for him to arrive amidst other instructors and students and felt anxious. When he showed up, I noticed that his presence made me feel safer. I kept glancing at him, perceiving him as different, as if I was looking at him through a different lens. He caught me looking at him twice, and both times, he seemed surprised and nodded at me.

He’d stay close to me or tried talking to me. During those moments, I felt a strange connection, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. There was another instructor with us, his cousin. He said to his cousin. “Guess her name. It starts with so and so.” and after telling him, his cousin said “nice Ann”, gave me a forced smile and shot me a peculiar look, and I felt as if he caught me doing something wrong.

My instructor also chose to make me go last instead of another student of his, and his cousin asked “How come you go last? Did you pick, or did he choose?” and it seemed strange…

He offered me a ride home afterward, looking cheerful and with twinkling eyes. I felt both flattered and confused. He explained that he chose for me to go last to help avoid traffic and said it was “a way to protect you.” He repeated this phrase twice, leaving it hanging in the air. I felt very overwhelmed (during the whole day) but also happy, like it made me melt especially during the drive home, but I still don’t understand why it had such an effect on me, especially cause it came a bit out of nowhere that day and as I said it has kept coming up for months, almost a year now. But it left me with good feelings for days after that… and overall just gave a positive twist to many things for me