None of what I was saying to you was me not projecting my own bullshit at you… I am absolutely 43 if I was pulling random numbers out I would have gone with 42 cuz that’s a perfect number. I’m not going to pretend to have dealt with the demons of heroin but I do know I’ve seen good friends succum unfortunately to the consequences and it sucks. That all being said I’ve got my own demons and they’re keeping me from fulfilling life and every single day that passes is a day that you don’t get back and eventually you’re going to look back and realize how much potential you had but didn’t see it to your insecurities It sucks. Cuz then you feel old wasted and who cares about you.

I struggle with ADD and I’ve been on medicine for so long that without it I don’t have enough energy to get out of bed I mean I do but I don’t want to nothing makes it worthwhile My dopamine situation is absolutely screwed I mean on top of the depression they all just work in tend to make me not really want to give a s*** anymore and it sucks… But she decide to live instead if you decide to stop trying to follow the release valve and you accept that uncomfortability is only temporary you can start to move forward. And I don’t say this is someone who has figured it out I’m saying this is someone who is trying not to just be a footnote.

Outside of the fact that it feels fucking good to be high I remember asking Spencer who managed to get clean and then all of a sudden wasn’t due to probably fentanyl but it is what it is and God bless him he was a saint and a troubled individual. Why you chasing the hide besides that it feels good I drink and smoke myself stupid to forget the fact that I feel insecure and unfulfilled and distracted from the fact I lack discipline to properly address my challenges but the biggest issue is the fact I can’t properly learn from my shortcoming is and my positives because I forget all the successes and remember all the negatives they beat you up and they kill you inside and there’s no winning to it.

The only thing that’s kept me from falling down the path the type of addiction that you’re describing is so late due to I’m a giant scaredy cat because I know I would love it and it would kill me. I would suggest honest therapy and distractions and anything under the sun to keep you from using it as your relief valve. God knows I love to be stoned off my ass and drunk to forget the fact that I’m unhappy with my inability to be where my head thinks I should be which is ridiculous because I should be totally happy but depression’s a bitch.

Once again I’ve seen folks who have struggled with the types of addiction I can’t even imagine which is why I’m too much of a pussy to even go there, mostly cuz I’m still struggling to beat my perpetual habits which is a nice way I’m going to say or avoid admitting addictions.

You got to answer why and that’s the hardest part cuz it’s never pretty well I’m lying That’s not the hardest part The hardest part is deciding to thoroughly love yourself and invest in yourself and not run to a really foul the moment It gets challenging.

I just found out I have a I don’t know if it’s the fatty liver or the enzyme but one of the two I’m producing just a little bit too much cuz I drink too often and I’ve got two choices I can embrace all of my banality and depression and let it kill me or I can decide to try to figure out how to unscrew the situation turns out neither a particularly easy and I keep stumbling but as unhappy as I am I don’t want to die due to my habits. Which means deep down the side I must believe I can beat this and there’s a happiness I haven’t achieved and I hope I find it.

I really truly hope that you can find something more exciting and worth living than the addiction because God knows we all want to chase that. I have so many stimulants in my system dopamine probably doesn’t even do it by itself but when it’s just right and I’ve got everything down and perfectly it’s amazing and I can accomplish anything… Now I got to figure out how to do the cognitive behavioral therapy to develop a risk reward system that makes me feel accomplished just due to the task being successful.

That’s really hard at 43 because I am super super super super super super super super and one more super to prove my point, habitual… quit now and focus on other things other hobbies distractions whatever it takes…cuz it’s still going to be there, whispering in your ear it’ll be better it’ll be happier you’ll like it. The problem is it’s like 3 hours of distraction… In the scale of Life the drugs are like a whippet in real time The distracts you from what’s going on for about 4/10 of a second and then all of a sudden you feel wonky and all of the demons are still there waiting to distract you from growing.

I really hope that, I’m going to say you but if I’m being totes honest I’m projecting my own insecurities failures weaknesses and addictions in this statement, that you distract yourself long enough to break the physical addiction which sucks but more importantly the habitual mental addiction. The idea that this habit will make it feel better for a few moments because in your head all you hear is feel better you don’t feel, hear or think about a few moments… Because they end and then you wake up empty miserable hungover and further away from your goals…

Nothing worth doing is using and as I’ve gotten to be an old man the hardest thing is to accomplish are the most fulfilling because in the end you get your soul back.

I can’t pretend to be a rock a good person or any of that silly shit but if you ever need to really reach out PM me and I’m always available. On the plus side it’s not the drug’s fault it’s the fact that I work in TV that my schedule sucks but the reality that I don’t have a family and all that other stuff is probably due to both the schedule of doing TV and the other life choices I’ve made…

Regardless I wish you the best and until you realize that fuckin high is not worth chasing, Life is going to keep teaching you the same lesson. You’ll be clean a few moments and in whatever mental logistics you use to get there at some point you’ll decide you’ve developed the ability to use a responsibly and then you begin the descent all over again… And I feel like addictions like cancer you’re really lucky if you beat it the first time but everyone most of the time can beat it the first time. It’s the second time that it gets harder and the third time really harder and by the fourth time you’re just done.

Also keep in mind I’ve lived in Baltimore before and I have seen how it can destroy you.

Good Luck and honestly I’m going to say some really lame sounding BS here but pray. I don’t know if God’s real I don’t know what’s what I just know that if I take the time to pray I find a clarity whether or not I like the clarity I find it and I’d like to think that there’s a reason why I’m finding that clarity.