Some explanations regarding myself:

I am happily married. My first relationship I had with 15 till I got 18. We got in contact through a role playing group online and just liked each other. 2011 I bought my first smartphone and after I got 18 few months later, I met my actual wife through a mutual friend. So I I never thought “I need to find someone so badly omg omg” or whatever, it just happened.

Tbh I somehow think and thought that this is the normal way. My parents, grandparents met the the same way. My cousin got his fiance also the same way and and and. Same goes for known Bolsheviks, their children liked each other and got together.

Few years ago I realised Reddit exist and looked for programming and bird groups. But I also found people talking about meeting people and dating.

First thing: Dating apps and this swiping stuff. It is pretty sus and I can’t imagine this works. It is like looking for a new car. Humans are not cars. I saw screenshots, where people mention their political views, what they like or not like. This has to be some joke, I don’t know. Not everyone is good in describing themself.

Second: People talked about is: height. I saw some screenshots from people complaining about this. I thought to myself, that this is probably some weird US shit again, buuuut now I hear about this here too.

This isn’t real isn’t? Or at least not that common? Something about, that you have to be at least 6 freedom units tall, or 7,8,9 idk. However 5 with something is to small and than you have stupid ass people called incels, which wants to kill women or perform plastic surgery on themself.

I mean, being small is annoying because there are spots I can’t reach easily. Wife is smaller than me, she has to ask me. A female friend we have is over 180cm tall and she is lucky to be easy reach anything. On the other hand: Do you know how upper arm circumference over 40cm looks on someone who is 174cm tall? Absolute great. When you are 190cm tall, its more meh. But srsly, this all are minor things. It has the same relevance like if you like apples or pears more.

For myself it looks like I am experiencing a new kind of thinking or culture whatever. This is a western thing probably idk.

Bebel wrote a great book called Woman and Socialism. It shows great the genesis and development of marriage, partnership and what capitalism did to it. So many things absolutely still are valid and apply. The things I see here I of course a consequence of capitalism:

The bourgeoisie has torn away from the family its sentimental veil […]

But still wtf is this development at all. I never heard something about height, jawlines, whatever when my peers were dating or had a boyfriend, girlfriend. What happend?

Tap for spoiler

Such apps are a data privacy nightmare. 100% they are collecting data and selling it.

  • tribuneoftheplebs@lemmygrad.ml
    0·
    3 months ago

    I was going to write an more in depth answer but this thread reminded me that 'm going to be alone for the rest of my life lmao there’s no hope

  • Riffraffintheroom [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
    0·
    4 months ago

    Being here and on the bad site, I feel like a weirdo for thinking dating apps are fine. Every long term partner I’ve had I’ve met through friends or at parties or whatever, but the experiences I’ve had with online dating have been mostly positive. If nothing else I got to meet and spend time with the sort of people who I otherwise wouldn’t meet through my social circle.

    • Soviet Pigeon@lemmygrad.mlOP
      0·
      4 months ago

      but the experiences I’ve had with online dating have been mostly positive.

      This is good to hear. But didn’t it felt like looking for a new car? Or a new dog, where characteristics and attributes are written in text with a photo and you think “looks good”?

    • Soviet Pigeon@lemmygrad.mlOP
      0·
      4 months ago

      Thats what I imagine too. Its like writing a CV for a relationship. I heard few things here and there and dont get it. I could never know if I would fall in love with someone, who gives me a CV with their pictures. My wife also don’t understands it. What happened or was it alwymays this way and I am just stupid?

  • amemorablename@lemmygrad.ml
    0·
    4 months ago

    Far as I can tell, they’re mostly only good for people who:

    1. Already know what they want

    2. What they want isn’t particularly hard to find

    3. Are happy to quickly move offline to arranging a RL date

    4. Have looks and/or a profile that lands well with the algorithms early on so they don’t end up at the bottom of the list and are ignored (this is not me saying they have to be a conventionally attractive person, just they need to do well in presentation early on such that others swipe favorably)

    5. They live in an area where the pool of people syncs up with these things. Some of which is plain luck.

    Apart from the fact that many of these apps are owned by the same parent company Match Group and thus have the same predatory monetization and data gathering practices, there are two main things that bother me about the whole dynamic. One is what you touched on, which is the obsession with minutiae of physical appearance (sure, physical attraction matters, but dating apps make it seem all important and like you can just find better if you have even the slightest issue, even if the “better” you find is someone unattainable). And the other is how on most apps most of the time, the dynamic is just… talking. 2024 we’re living in and the best they can do is a glorified online job board but for dates.

    Some people are good talkers, but some people just aren’t and have other qualities. Furthermore, some people are good talkers in person, but aren’t great at texting. Or the reverse: they can show up in texting, but will be at a loss for words in person. It’s a single narrow window into interacting with someone and you aren’t even doing anything together, in the sense of like, activities. So how are you supposed to know you will enjoy spending time with them from that?

    Probably, you won’t know, which is where moving it to a RL date ASAP makes sense. But, if this is all a dating app is providing for people, is a way to arrange RL dates, then it seems sort of overblown as a product in the first place, to me.

    Personally, in my attempts with them so far, what’s generally happened is I get almost no return attention if I swipe/message someone and on my end, there are few people I actually feel like I might want to date. I’m not really interested in getting into all the probable reasons here, but I know from times I’ve hung out on a dating subreddit or two, the experience is not uncommon of getting absolutely nowhere. And sometimes there are people jumping to give you ways to “fix” the problem, but they typically don’t want to address the elephant in the room, which is that of averages and the way hundreds or thousands in a given area are essentially being ranked in terms of value and you’re supposed to game that system by figuring out how to float to the top, just so that you can get to the stage of talking to people. Not even meeting up or dating or going further than that. Just talking.

    TL;DR: Sometimes my feeling is sort of like, “What in the world do dating apps have to do with dating?”

    • Soviet Pigeon@lemmygrad.mlOP
      0·
      4 months ago

      And the other is how on most apps most of the time, the dynamic is just… talking. 2024 we’re living in and the best they can do is a glorified online job board but for dates.

      Some people are good talkers, but some people just aren’t and have other qualities. Furthermore, some people are good talkers in person, but aren’t great at texting.

      You are right. I also think those apps have probably a good amount of false positive and false negative results. I probably have to check for studies and statistics to find more data.

      Apart from the fact that many of these apps are owned by the same parent company Match Group and thus have the same predatory monetization and data gathering practices, there are two main things that bother me about the whole dynamic.

      Didn’t know that. I found articles online where they reported about “unexpected data outflows”. Privacy nightmare.

      And the other is how on most apps most of the time, the dynamic is just… talking.

      Don’t know how to feel about that. On the other hand you are right. But one thing is, that I would have hypothetical used it if it existed 16 years ago to find someone who is male, since I am not straight and also did live in a absurdly homophobic family in a conservative area. I am sure this also apply today to others which are in the same situation I were back then: a possibility to get in contact with someone with the same gender preferences.

      Probably, you won’t know, which is where moving it to a RL date ASAP makes sense. But, if this is all a dating app is providing for people, is a way to arrange RL dates, then it seems sort of overblown as a product in the first place, to me.

      Hmm, I agree. So these apps doesnt provide more besides proprietary algorithms to find a person to text with and then idk maybe meet?

      Personally, in my attempts with them so far, what’s generally happened is I get almost no return attention if I swipe/message someone and on my end, there are few people I actually feel like I might want to date. I’m not really interested in getting into all the probable reasons here, but I know from times I’ve hung out on a dating subreddit or two, the experience is not uncommon of getting absolutely nowhere.

      Don’t know you, but wish you the best. I always think that humanity somehow managed to exist, despite catastrophic environments and events. Humans still find a partner and make new humans. They are still doing it and the population is getting bigger and bigger. You also will find your missing half. This was off topic, but I just wanted to cheer you up!

      And sometimes there are people jumping to give you ways to “fix” the problem

      Sounds like “This ugly son of a removed” memes and that you have to apply this “weird trick”.

      which is that of averages and the way hundreds or thousands in a given area are essentially being ranked in terms of value and you’re supposed to game that system by figuring out how to float to the top, just so that you can get to the stage of talking to people.

      Got it, its like SAP. You don’t use SAP products and tailor them on your needs, but you use it to convert your business process to those offered by SAP.