Hi, I’m Jasmine.
This post is a bit of a vent, but I also genuinely need help and comfort. I hope this is appropriate to talk about here and that I don’t ruin the vibe of this community too much.
I’m tired with myself repressing my gender. I’m tired with me telling myself maybe I can live happily as a boy, maybe I can convince myself, or maybe this is all fake somehow. I feel like I’m not meant to be a girl, that I am meant to be a boy, and that I shouldn’t transition because it’s against my cultures. And my internalized transphobia sometimes made me think like a bigot when given the chance.
I’ve done my best to avoid lashing my internalized transphobia to anyone, even online, and I’ll continue to do my best. I’ll continue to do my best to support trans people, but ironically it’s hard for me to support myself.
I know this all sounds so negative, but it’s been eating away at my mental health. I need help.
I just wanted someone to reassure me that it’s okay for me to transition and that there is nothing wrong with being transgender. I would also greatly appreciate sites and resources for trans people to reassure me that it’s okay to be trans.
Hi, Jasmine,
Yes, it is perfectly okay to transition in any way that you want. It does not make you selfish. You don’t “owe it to your culture” to continue repressing by pretending to be something that you’re not. There is nothing wrong with being trans, and there is nothing wrong with you being yourself.
As for tackling your internalized transphobia, I would encourage you to stop intentionally seeking out transphobic content online - as you have already identified it is a form of digital self-harm. If there are specific sites that you’re going to I would intentionally try to avoid going to them, or block yourself from going there if the impulse is too strong. I think doing this will be a pretty good step, to stop exposing yourself to all the transphobic rhetoric.
I have also found mindfulness helpful in overcoming internalized transphobia to help analyze your thoughts and where they are coming from, but I’m no expert. I would recommend talking with an LGBT+ friendly therapist if you are in a position to see one.
You’re right. Maybe there’s a reason “going against your culture and parents to do the right thing” is a common trope, and we consider the charactes who did it hero instead of villain.
Still, it’d be hard to reprogram decades of anti-trans stance brought on from my culture, even more so when it’s still proliferating and as things gets worse for us.
It’s easy for me to avoid them most of the time, but it’s very hard when my mood is low. Worse, most of my transphobia nowadays comes from my head, not contents from the internet. I can’t exactly turn off my brain to avoid thinking of transphobic thoughts…
A good number of transphobia I had is from anti-trans laws news, which I find easily from most trans communities. When I hear transphobic laws passed, I tried my best to justify them even though I didn’t agree with them. It’s like I’m putting effort to become transphobic, even though deep down I don’t want to.
I think I might if things get worse, but there’s practically no LGBT friendly therapists around, nor do I have the money to see one.
Maybe I can contact a trans friendly hotline if they operate worldwide. Maybe like the trevor project or something like that.