Look man, I ain’t gonna lie. I’m sitting here in my bed, and I’m finna to start a new job, right? I’m finna to start a new job, that’s gonna pay me a lot of money. And this is, in any other scenario, a year, two years ago, I would be all about it. But man, all I can think about, you know, I get older, I have a kid, that kid gets a little bit older, he gonna ask me, he gonna go, “Pop, where were you when they was killing all them kids in Gaza? When they was dropping all them bombs. What were you doing?” And you know what I’m gonna have to say to my son? I’m gonna say, “I was stacking paper, son. I was getting some bread.”
Could you imagine, it’s Nazi Germany, and somebody said, well, they sending them to the gas chambers, train by train by train, day after day. I keep seeing them get loaded up on the news, but shit, I gotta stack my paper, I gotta get my bread. Sounds a little bit ridiculous, don’t it? It sounds a little bit ridiculous. And it’s got me thinking about a whole lot of things. And part of me almost feels like this job, the money that this job gonna pay me, okay, this money is a bribe. It’s the system saying, hey, look, we know you don’t like it, but here’s some good money, man. You wanna get that paper, don’t you?
Brother, I wanna get that paper more than anything I want to break the cycle. My kids ain’t growing up ina dusty ass FEMA trailer park. That’s all my life has been about. I remember selling snack cakes in middle school. I was selling test results in high school. I was selling whatever I needed to sell, okay? Doing whatever I needed to do. Things I can’t tell you. I was working two full-time jobs before covid, 80+ hours a week sleeping in my car some nights.
But I’ve seen things in the last six months that would make a grown man weep. And that just is something I cannot stop thinking about. Like, what am I doing? What are we all doing? I saw a toddler melted, no skin, just sinew and burns. White phosphorous is only made in America, only in Arkansas. We did that.
We did that man.
You know, I run a website. I got a platform. I get like 5,000, 6,000 views, sometimes even 7,000 views a week. I’ve written article after article and I don’t feel any less hollow than I did when it first started, when I first started seeing them videos. I’ve spread the word, I’ve gotten my social medias have been banned for spreading the word, but it’s not enough. It’s not shit. It’s internet shit. That’s not real shit. That kid, if I told him, well, you know, I look, I wrote an article about what they did to you. You think you feel better about what they did? It’s many a nights I lost sleep thinking about the things I done seen. And I know the people who are doing these things, they sleep in the sound as a motherfucking bear in the wintertime.
Just wanna say I feel ya. I also got a new job and for the first time in my adult life I will be outside of the “official” poverty line. But with that I have had to let my organizing take a backseat as I acclimate and attend to a bunch of other personal transitions. I simply just don’t have as much time and energy to do both. I have moments where it’s not easy to reconcile.
Congrats on the new opportunity comrade.
It’s kind of ironic, I haven’t started the job yet, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to take this opportunity because I’m too damn broke to get everything I need to fucking… get licensed and… such. My driver’s license was expired, I gotta handle that, my… I need to buy a suit and… all these other little things, I’m short on my rent. Shit, it’s not looking good. But… we’ll see. Because this is a sales job, so… You don’t have a motherfucker who… advocates for Medicare for All, selling Medicare plans. Ain’t that a motherfucker, huh? That’s something I had to reconcile. But see… I was working in tech, man. And I don’t give a fuck what… position you in. If you working in tech… Yo shit… You, you got blood on your hands, like… When you work for Microsoft, who built the AI that’s killing the Palestinians? Microsoft. You work for a contracting company, who you really working for? You work for the government. There’s no escaping that if you work in tech. So, I mean, at the end of the day… I can’t put too much… weight into my own ethical choices when I’m only… The reason I’m taking this job is because I don’t want to get called back at the end of the day. And yeah, man, I know what it is to have to try to reconcile that shit. I got friends who are doing… mandatory minimums… for the same shit I was doing. I got friends… You know, my grandfather did 25 years in prison… for selling crack. Like… He’s a motherfucker. He’s… Growing up with no… power sometimes, having a… leaky roof. And now you’re looking at… making enough money to possibly be able to pay for my friend’s healthcare and shit. Who’s to tell me I can’t go get that money? At the end of the day… That money, in my head, is going to pay for a lot… better shit. And do a lot more work. And do a lot more work. And do a lot more work. And do a lot more work.
Fam we can’t be everywhere at once tryna solve the world’s problems. I totally get it.
But if you’re not in a position where you can do something materially you don’t gotta blame yourself for it. Capitalism has us all feeling like that for problems in our own lives, let alone problems the world has.
It’s what’s so beautiful about being a Communist, you’re never alone, we’re all in this together, even the ones who can’t be out there doing material work. I’m disabled and can’t work or really do much so all I have is to educate myself, stay aware and spread these ideas to others.
There’s a place for all of us at the revolution.
It’s a good thing for good people to have money. It can go a long way - to relief orgs, mutual support funds, helping family and friends. And just to take care of yourself physically and mentally, so that you can reach your further goals. There’s a lot to be done. Get your bag, king.
This is what I tell myself, because I don’t really have any interest in material goods, but money gets you resources. You know, I have friends who $10,000 gets them the healthcare they need. If I got $10,000 and I could just give that to them, that would be amazing. That would be worth infinitely more than a new car. That would be worth infinitely more than a Camaro. Just having a rough go at it lately.
You’re not a super hero. You haven’t failed if you haven’t saved the world on your own. That kid’s kids may ask him the same question. “I did what I could.” is a perfectly valid answer.
Like they tell you on flights. Help yourself before helping others. Do what you can and just be honest with yourself. Even if all you can do is write essays and talk to other people. Adventurism is very rarely effective either.
As @LarkinDePark said you are not a super hero, you don’t have to carry that burden on your back, the fact that you’re here on grad looking to inform yourself, is already a very big step, you are concerned and revolted by the situation of the world, good, actually very good. Keep finding means to provide for you and your family, and if and when you have more available time or money, try to figure out good ways of organizing, see if there are any collectives around you or something like it. Because in my eyes the best thing comrades everywhere can do is to work on the revolution on their own land, however far it is. The deaths in Gaza and Congo, the deaths by hunger and disease are not gonna stop no matter how many individual conflicts we solve, capitalism will keep killing more and more in the most varied ways. And that is sickening, you have that right, but our job is to group up with people round us, and help people around us, and share our knowledge with people most hurt by this system, to offer them an alternative. So in the future, even if we don’t know how far in said future, we along with the masses revolt and take down our opression. And then the world will have another force that will stand against future Gaza and Congos and whatever new horrors capitalism comes up with.
Just know comrade you’re doing your best, I’m proud of you, I applaud your indignation with the situation, but first you need to take care of you and yours, and your mental health. Once you can take a breather you think about heeding the bulk of my advice, cause we don’t want you to break under overwhelming pressure, we want you as happy and motivated as you can be, then you’ll be much more productive to the revolution, just know that you and your family matters, even if horrible things are happening elsewhere you folk still matter. Do what you can comrade, just not at your own expense.
Thanks for this comrade. Things have hard lately, these words mean a lot to me.
I’m glad I could be of some comfort I always like to keep in mind and remember others as much as I can, the most important idea of communism is togetherness, we’re in this together, far or near we work for the victory of the collective, you are a comrade and we’re here for you just as much as you’re there for the Palestinians, same fight on many different forms
I don’t think I can say anything that hasn’t already been said, but I can say, I do get it. I try to go by the idea that “I can’t help someone else put their mask on if I don’t put on my own first.” But it’s also not always clear what counts as that vs. not. And it feels surreal going about my day like nothing is happening, only to go spend some time amplifying more traumatizing news about ongoing genocide. I’ve been doing a lot of crying or close to crying these days and that’s something I used to almost never do. Nobody and nothing prepares you for something like this. How can they? Genocide is hell and there’s not a lot of precedent, I don’t think (if any), for being in a position where we simultaneously know in graphic detail that it’s happening day by day while also, many of us, being so far removed from it in locality that it’s difficult to do more than make sure people know it’s happening and that its perpetrators can’t control the narrative. Which is something and people are trying to do more than that, but in what ways, I’m not super well-informed on the specifics.
I just know that even if it can feel trite at times, being kind to yourself is important; recognizing that you have limitations and taking care of your needs, and doing what you can within that. I know some can take that kind of mindset too far, to the point of luxury and indulgence and burying head in sand, but I think someone in your position, like me, would understand it’s a warning about overdoing it and stretching yourself thin, that making sure to apply your compassion to yourself too is not going to stop you from caring about things like this and looking to do what you can.
I’m in this weird spot right now where, you know, I’ve been unemployed for three months. I’m basically out of money and out of things I can sell to get money, and I’ve borrowed money from, you know, a lot of friends at this point. And it’s not a good look, though, because before I got laid off, they stole my last check, and by the time I finally got it, it was only half my pay, and then there was PayPal fees, because I sent it through PayPal, and it’s a long story. But at the same time, I have been expended a job offer that if I can get this license taken care of and handled, which is going to cost me money I don’t have, then I could potentially make a good amount of money, like more than I was making any job before this one. And it’s such a weird feeling where it’s like cabinets are empty, rent is short, but maybe, just maybe, we’ll be okay. I don’t know.
Basically out of options, and trying not to scream as loud as I can.
I feel this. After 6 years of work I’m about to decide what I’ll be studying. Saw the videos and heard the horror stories. Did all the sharing on social media (and still do) but it feels like it achieves nothing.
Spoke to a palestinian refugee 2 weeks ago who studied robotics. 5 years younger than me too. All his plans for his future are gone. And here I am planning for my potential future just like he did.
Only thing keeping me up is revolutionary optimism, which I basically recite like a mantra, like an idiom from a culture I don’t understand.
