How old were you when you began questioning/considering you weren’t “normal”? I’m in my 30s and almost all at once feel like I’m not sure what I am in most demensions and struggling to figure out what I feel about anything. I’ve been married, happily for a while, which adds a little to the confusion.
I had a few months of existential crisis when I was 21, but it was more related to a manipulative partner who was fetishising my queer identity as I was just figuring out who I was.
I’m lucky enough that I never felt not-normal and I’ve never felt the need to “come out” because I’ve never been in the closet to begin with. But I recognise what a huge privilege that is and I have been working hard on myself and my surroundings to try extend even some of that privilege to others.
(Eg I’m actively campaigning for change at my work place, which also has a wide reach to the public in the country I live in)
I had the same but in my 30s, it was a kind of “embrace and extinguish” thing with my nex. She initially was super supportive, taught me to how to use makeup yadda yadda. but it pretty quickly turned into something much more constrictive: she effectively branded my transness as a sort of dirty kink, and in doing so, was able to cast me as a kind of pathetic, horny, pervert over several years. Every time I hooked up with a guy (at the time I was male-presenting), there was always some reason she would get really angry at me (you didn’t call, you were drunk/high, etc.) – any expressions of LGBTQIA* sexuality were invariably punished, but in a covert way, making them impossible for me to counter (also because I was still riveted with shame).
I’m really happy to hear you’re out of that relationship, some people are really toxic, and prey on queer people (often takes the form of basking in the reflected edginess of being queer, while simultaneously behaving in a TERFy, kareny way).
Now that I reread my own comment and read yours, I actually realise it was more than a few months of torment. It was a few months of figuring out my identity (which wouldn’t have been an existential crisis if it hadn’t been for the toxic relationship) and then a further 5 years of a toxic relationship after that. I’m glad I got out, but it sucks to bump into mutual friends who didn’t realise we were together in the past call my ex “the nicest person you’ll ever meet”.
Basking in the reflected edginess of queerness is also a perfect description of an element my past relationship. I’ve never heard it put quite so well lol
I’m also very glad you’re out of that toxic relationship. That sounds so gross and I hope you’re in a more loving and supportive place now.