So, just some background. I wasn’t spanked by my parents. Or really at all when I was a kid. But I have had relationships where spanking was part of it. One, a guy who was super sweet and just spanked me during sex and to initiate. Another guy who spanked during BDSM play but never outside playtime. His spankings were harder than the first guy and it would sting and leave me red and hot.
But then I met a woman. She was a Domme and we got into a serious D/s relationship dynamic where it was always on. And it was the most intense thing. I loved it. Was always in subspace with her. But her spankings! I both loved and hated them. She did not let up. Like, I always thought it was the men who did that?
Covid times ruined it. I miss her so much. But I also wonder if her punishments crossed the line. And yet sometimes I miss the structure? Knowing that if I fucked up there would be real consequences. It kept me in line. And I do think I benefited from being with her.
I dunno where I’m going with this. It’s all so confusing.
Was it abuse? If so, why do I miss her so much? And why do I want that back? Even though sometimes it really hurt.
Help?
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Maybe you just miss it because y’all didn’t really break up, but were split by circumstances? No I don’t consider S/M play abuse, at all. Yes as a sub you don’t always get exactly what you need or expect, it’s a dance between two people. The pain high is real, you might miss that, and again it’s not abuse unless she was doing it against your communicated boundaries. And yes, subby people can use punishment to meet their own personal goals - that’s too much for me but if it worked for you and she saw it improving your mental health, wasn’t doing it to cut you off from your friends and harm you then no, not abuse.
Be gentle with yourself - you like what you like, it’s ok, it’s not wrong to want it.
Thank you! So, we were living together. And at her work there was an opening for her to move up to jr partner. Someone died, actually. But to get it she just had to work and work. And I was working like crazy too, and in school. So even though we lived together, we drifted apart. We were also cramped together doing endless zoom calls. Getting on each other’s nerves. Which left my bottom sore pretty regularly. And by the end I wondered if the spankings were more for her than me. When lockdown ended, things spiraled downward. We kept it up for a while. But ultimately, I moved out. It was my choice.
Sorry to hear that. I don’t think it sounds like abuse, but it’s probably a good thing that you did leave a situation you both were unhappy in.
Thank you!
We exchanged comments earlier in another community, so I recognize you. Anyway, I’m a Domme, so I definitely have a perspective here. But one thing I’ll say is, when you moved in I’m unsure from your story if she had made her rules clear. Was there a contract beforehand? Or did the rules and punishments creep up?
The age difference doesn’t bother me. You were both adults. Did you finish school?
Hi! I remember you!
Did I mention she is a lawyer? 😆 So yeah, there was a detailed contract. Like, 13 pages of definitions, rules, and stipulations. Things like no lying, being respectful, some private sexual things, and keeping up my grades and job.
She gave it to me before I moved in with a red pen. Then I had a week to read and mark it up. There was a long discussion. So yeah, we negotiated for real. I should have mentioned that. So I knew upfront what I was getting myself into. She even showed me the belt, which hung on the wall in our walk in. Inconspicuous but I knew what it was for. So yes. I was informed before I signed.
And yes! I got my Masters and now work for a hospital. No more making lattes. Thanks!
It sounds like with that contract and negotiations it means you engaged in this type of relationship with full consent. I don’t really see a problem here. I understand as a Domme people might think I would lean toward accepting such relationships, but other people are saying similar things too. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
One thing I’ll say, a properly used belt is a very effective means of correction. I’m sure you fully learned those lessons. Would you do it again? Are you on the fence? Or never again and just reminiscing?
Yeah. So, the guy I’m with right now, no. He’s a vanilla cream puff. Sweetest man and a total goofball, but he wouldn’t know where to begin. We met at the dog park and I thought maybe I grew up and that part of my life was over. But I keep having fantasies. Seeking out porn. It’s like, something inside.
Would I? With a person I trusted, maybe. She was in total control. I mean of herself. I was just in awe of the way she organized everything. And when she spanked, it was even. She knew exactly how hard, she never lost control. And it was that way in her life too.
So I guess if I could find someone that amazing again, yeah. But no way would I let just anyone do that. I want it, but it scares me too.
I’ll just say, I was married 14 years to a nice guy. Good job. Responsible. But vanilla. And I missed it the entire time. Got two wonderful kids out of the bargain. But I’m much happier on my own now.
This is not advice. You do your life. Just saying about mine.
I hear ya.
IMO, it’s only abuse if you don’t consent or if your safe word is ignored. I came from an abusive childhood. Had a serious D/s relationship. She was my s and introduced me to the lifestyle. I was hesitant but recognized that this was what she needed. It was rigid. It was clear/transparent. It was loving. It was never abuse.
Hi! Thanks for responding. So for you, with consent real spankings are fine. End of story.
Does it matter that she was older? I was in school getting my MPH but she was like 15 years older and a lawyer at this big firm downtown. I was working at a cafe when we met and totally starstruck by her. We started dating. Then a while later covid hit and I moved in with her. She’d spanked before but it was like, her house, her rules.
I still love her to bits, but I’m older and wonder about that power disparity.
The power disparity was real for you. Only you can define your boundaries. If, in your case, it felt or now feels manipulative or abusive, then it was. As you said, you were starstruck, and I 100% understand that. I was there, too. My s pushed me well out of my comfort zone. In my case, I know it was manipulative, but I don’t regret it. I experienced things I never would have. I felt a connection I believed was deeper and more intense than anything I’d ever imagined. In my case, it was all smoke and mirrors, but I know what I felt. I’ll likely never have another D/s relationship because my s’s lies destroyed my desire to trust anyone the way I’d need to for that type of relationship. All that said, in most relationships, there is some power disparity. You saw an older, more experienced person who offered you something you wanted. To get that, there were rules, and you, at the time, were ok with them. Would you be ok with the rules now? Maybe not, but your view is colored by the past you lived between them and now. IMO, we get to experience things, and we learn from every one of them, or we don’t. If we don’t learn, we repeat mistakes. If we do learn, we hopefully don’t repeat the mistakes. So my answer to you is this. Only you can decide whether it was wrong. If you were happy then, what will you gain from disecting the experience unless you’re contemplating a repeat or a similar relationship. We can never know what goes on in anyone else’s mind. I suggest you don’t try to assing motives or intent. Remember at that time we all saw the end of the world just ahead; many of us made decisions then we might not make now. I doubt this answers any questions for you, but I’m happy to keep this discussion going for as long as you’d like. Feel free to take this to direct/private messages if you’d like.
Did you finish you MPH? What’s your area of interest?
Thank you! I agree with much of that.
And yes! I graduated with a focus on HCM and am now working at a hospital in a group that does supplies consumption and procurement.
