That’s like saying all English speakers use the same accent: facially absurd. There’s a fairly “standard” Midwestern accent that reaches to the Pacific sans “dontcha know?” but go east of there, and boy, howdy, do things get fractured. To say nothing of the rest of the remnants of the British Empire.

We have a population crisis with too few babies being born, and the clear solution is to keep making kids more expensive.

Funny story … when I moved in with my ex, we discovered we now had two copies of Mein Kampf. Same translation, no less.

But I can do one better. I was a math tutor in college, and when we had downtime between requests, we could read (cellphones were not a thing yet). Well, a friend bleached my hair for the first time, and it turned out orange. As such, I shaved my head, and without thinking about it, brought in Mein Kampf to read. I have to say, that combo turned a lot of students off from asking for my help.

Sixth grade is just meeting the audience where they are.

I mean, they are subordinate. But I’ll leave kink out of this.

Not to be a pedant, but “myself” is solid.

I’m used to this sort of dense prose, so it didn’t feel like a slog to me. Yeah, academic writing can be tedious, and it tends to arrive at conclusions more obliquely, but these are still important voices to hear. When I go full Voice of God from my time writing editorials, the reception is about as warm – but it’s a skill. You don’t complain about how a carpenter saws, so complaining about how a writer writes seems rather dismissive.

“They willingly gave all sorts of PII to a soulless corporation. Here’s what didn’t actually happen.”

I mean, it absolutely would be news if a dangerous stretch of I-5 popped up in Eastern Washington.

Do you have a structured settlement? Call DJ Trump! 877-GRIFT-NOW.

This sail sales.

While I appreciate the gesture, my mom had 300,000 Southwest miles, which covered the flight. I make it a point not to ask for help unless my back is against the wall. I just hope my van is still here when I return to Texas.

Why should Putin have all the fun when there are upper-floor windows all over the world?

It’s one thing to have bad optics, but it’s another entirely to give a fuck about them. (See also: Facebook.)

The market can stay irrational for longer than you can stay solvent.

I told her about the $800 last-minute flight, and the problem solved itself. My mom has miles, but she sure as fuck isn’t going to pay for her flight, despite doing that with my most recent ex four years ago. Nichol just left everyone with a sour taste.

I don’t really care for a $999,990 plate with $10 of shitty food.

Shit. Is that how I lost my porn collection?

Ah, but if you want a proper defenestration, Prague’s the go-to.

Yes.